Unnecessary suffering in the thoughts we think

Music (00:00:00) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.

Koren (00:00:19) – Hello and welcome. Hello and welcome. This is Koren Motekaitis. And you’re listening to How She Really Does It, the place where inspiration and possibility meet. A few weeks ago I did a podcast about unnecessary suffering in the choices we make. Today, I’m going to discuss unnecessary suffering in the thoughts we think. So last time. It’s about the choices and we’re going even further inside. It’s about what we’re thinking. And before I move any further into the show, I want to talk about some context around this, because here’s the thing. There’s a lot of suffering in the world and I feel it. My clients feel it. What I’m talking about here in this unnecessary suffering, it’s not the same suffering that we are seeing that’s happening in the world. And I want to provide that distinction. Because oftentimes we call it, oh, these are first world problems.

Koren (00:01:23) – And we become really dismissive and tell ourselves to suck it up. And this suffering is important because it depletes us in our ability to do meaningful work and be able to have the loving relationships that we want to have. So it’s important to address this as well as what’s going on in the world. It’s not an either or or one is better than the other. I mean, one is really harmful. And when we’re talking about the stuff here. There’s a different way of living that we’re talking about, and we have suffering. It’s a different context of suffering, and that’s what’s really important. So the suffering I’m going to talk about today in this distinction is really important, is it’s about how the ways that we think can create some of the pain in our lives, and by creating an awareness, we can reduce the pain. So today, I’m specifically talking about the thoughts that we’re thinking, right. What are we telling ourselves? So context is really key. Our brains are fascinating. They have a primary job to do to keep us alive.

Koren (00:02:34) – And our human brains have this ability to create stories we’re story making creatures, we make meaning, we make stories. And because our brain is here to keep us alive, we have this negativity bias where we tell ourselves these stories that are really scary, very good at dress rehearsing tragedy. They’re very, very scary, right? So I want to share an example of a story that a client shared with me the other day of. Oh, I fly by the seat of my pants. I make things up. I was like, really? Tell me about that. Because I could tell and heard the tone of her voice. She was in a lot of pain, and she was in actually feeling a lot of shame, and she was feeling like an imposter, but leaving that and feeling rather hopeless. And there was a lot of context that she was missing. I know her well, and I know she’s not flying by the seat of her pants. She’s really, really busy and she’s figuring things out right, but she’s not flying by the seat of her pants.

Koren (00:03:38) – So one of the things that I did was I was really curious of what does she mean by that? And as we worked through these stories, that was causing unnecessary suffering. She, you know, owned the fact that in her position she has to be agile because she’s the one that’s braving the new paths. She’s creating the new paths, right? She can’t have a set way. Doesn’t work in the work that she does to have a set way. And this is what she follows, right? And she’s dismissing all the work that she’s done in the knowledge she walks into a room with. And this becomes really important because we must notice what our brains are telling us, what are the stories our brains are making up. And the key here is to not react or to take action. It’s to notice. And really, those two stories was her way of giving herself evidence that she can’t really have what she wants. That’s what’s really underneath that. And so then she was beating herself up and telling herself lies.

Koren (00:04:40) – That wasn’t true. So it’s really important when we have these stories, we notice them, we feel the feelings. And the other thing that’s really important is we don’t take action. We don’t try to offload it. We don’t make decisions that could be catastrophic later on, like quit our jobs because we’re so mad, right? We notice, we listen. If you can dial up curiosity, we are curious about it. Oftentimes it’s easier with somebody else. Hence why my clients have me. And we ask what else could be true? And that’s what I did with her. Now, when we go through this process, she has this realization right, of this isn’t really true, and she’s being really mean to herself. And it’s also not how she’s perceived in the workplace. It’s just the story that she was making up to beat herself up because she doesn’t believe, and she’s feeling really vulnerable about being able to create the results that she wants. So when we can have this approach of being aware, paying attention, asking ourselves and being curious of what is really true, noticing, listening, right? What will happen is it’s not that, oh, now I live happily ever after because I’ve now seen this light in this way.

Koren (00:05:52) – But what always happens with my clients is they feel a little better, maybe crappy, better, but a little better, and then they’re able to start to move through it. And that’s the shame resilience piece. And then they keep moving forward and they can see. And I say moving forward I mean just in their own brain. So instead of being stuck and shrunken in, they can kind of open up their brains and start to see how do they work on solving this problem. And they have less suffering in the context that I’m discussing here today, Martha Beck uses the term that I really like called clean pain versus dirty pain. So the clean pain is the vulnerability of walking into a business meeting and not knowing where it will go or what the solution will be, and will you be able to figure out the solution from those that hire you. Right. That can be that clean pain. That’s a lot. There’s a lot of vulnerability, right? Uncertainty, emotional exposure and risk in just about everything we do.

Koren (00:06:49) – It continues to show up when we want to do meaningful work. The fairy tale is we’re going to know this absolute and it’s going to work out this way, and we’re going to follow the plan. The reality is it’s vulnerable and messy and we don’t know. And the one thing I do know from doing this work with myself and so many clients, all my clients over all the years, is there will be something worthwhile from it. It may not be that the end result at this point that you want, but it’s on the path of where you want to go. The dirty pain is the things we make up. And that’s what my client was doing. She was in dirty pain and creating unnecessary suffering for herself by telling herself, I’m flying by the seat of my pants. That’s the death by a thousand cuts which can lead to numbing, poor work, productivity, hopelessness. Like the screw it. I’m going to quit the fantasizing of a better job someplace else, right? Versus really managing our brains and saying, I’m feeling really vulnerable because I’m not sure how this is going to transpire.

Koren (00:07:52) – What are the things that I have within my control, within my own agency? What are the things that we evaluate ourselves more on than this whipping that we do, instead of the unnecessary suffering from the thoughts our brains come up with. We need to be self compassionate and really own our story. Maybe it’s something like this. I’m feeling vulnerable as I walk into this client meeting, not knowing if we will be able to find a solution for them. Or maybe it’s not knowing if I will be able to find a solution for them. That’s clean pain and can be quite a reduction in suffering. And it can allow ourselves, especially as we become shame resilient, the space to lean in, be curious, and work towards finding solutions. So as you go through the end of this year, 2024, my invitation for you is to turn down the dial on the unnecessary suffering in the thoughts that you think. Be aware of them. Sometimes they’re collected. They’re just implanted right from cultural programming, from maybe grad school, the world of work.

Koren (00:09:06) – This is the way it’s supposed to be. And check in with them. What is really true? This is part of this beautiful journey of life that we have. So my invitation for you is to turn down the dial on the unnecessary suffering in the thoughts you think. All right. I’m smiling big for you. Hey, if you enjoy listening to this podcast, you’ll love my weekly emails. I know you’re thinking, Koren, really? Do I want another email in my overflowing inbox? Yes you do. Yippee skippy you do. These are short. They’re sweet. On Fridays, I send out the Friday podcast. It’s a great reminder that there’s a new show, and it comes straight into your inbox of the latest episode. Awesome. You click on it, you go straight. Because we all need reminders. We have busy, full lives. And then on Sundays I have my Sunday Love column and these are emails I write from the heart. They’re filled with love.

Koren (00:10:05) – We need more love. We all do, myself included. These are short emails where you get a quick take away so you can incorporate this into your life, because people often want to know what to do and how to do it. And maybe sometimes it’s a story that you get or there’s like one time I wrote about the ten ways to practice gratitude, and that became such a great tool when one of the readers was struggling and the middle of the night, because it can be a scary place in our brains in the middle of the night. And she remembered the email that I sent about ten ways to practice gratitude. And she was able to practice gratitude and fall back asleep. And that was an awesome lesson for her to incorporate into her life. Go to the show notes, and there’s a link in the show notes where you can sign up and get these emails in your box.

Music (00:10:59) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.