The vulnerability of relationships

Music (00:00:00) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.

Koren (00:00:19) – Hello and welcome. This is Koren Motekaitis. And you’re listening to How She Really Does It, the place where inspiration and possibility meet. We are meant to be in relationships. Loneliness is not good for our health. And it’s a normal part of the human experience. The US Surgeon General has declared a new public health epidemic in America. Loneliness in a new report finds loneliness can have profound effects on mental health as well as heart disease, stroke and dementia. As I talk about the vulnerability of relationships, the risk is loneliness, and it is a normal part of human experience, and it’s something that we’ve all felt. Prolonged loneliness can be harmful to our health. And here’s the thing we have these myths about relationships. Like people should know what to do. It’s supposed to be easy. Or I have clients saying, well, I’m trying to read the situation, or then they blame themselves that it’s all their fault and there’s not clear expectations.

Koren (00:01:27) – Right? I have to remind them this is a mantra. It’s from Brené. I say it all the time. I’ve said it here and I’ve been using it since Covid. At first when I balked at it, when I heard it and I was like, oh, it is so profound. Clear is kind, unclear is unkind, right? So when we can have clear expectations, that really helps all of us to be able to connect better. But it’s vulnerable. It’s vulnerable to have those clear expectations. The other part of the vulnerability of relationships last week I talked about the obstacles of receiving. It’s also vulnerable to give, right? What if the others don’t want it? What if it’s not what they want? If it’s vulnerable to ask to go in, do something with a friend. These are all vulnerable. Relationships are vulnerable. Here’s the thing. Vulnerability is the pathway to meaningful connection. And this is from Brené’s research back in the Daring Way times. So when we can understand that there’s going to be uncertainty, there’s emotional exposure, there’s risk.

Koren (00:02:30) – But that’s the pathway to what we desire. And it’s going to be bumpy. It’s going to be messy. But we have these beliefs of people should know how to do it. They should know what I want. It’s supposed to be easy. And we use so much energy in reading the room that we’re kind of afraid to step into it, because what will happen? And we’re exhausted by the time we get into that connection. So understanding that there is going to be vulnerability, it’s uncomfortable. But when we can learn how to talk and share and discuss and get clear of what people want and what are the expectations, what are your needs, what are theirs, and giving yourself permission that we don’t need to do it perfectly. It’s not a forever. We can say, this is what I want. And then as we go through it, we may learn like, oh, actually, I don’t like to do this. Maybe you’re thinking like, I would love to go to baseball games with you, and you go and after a couple you’re like, okay, that’s filled my bucket for the next ten years.

Koren (00:03:27) – And you may think, I can’t say that because I’ve told this person that I love baseball games and you love them, and you went and you’re done. It makes me think of a story. When my daughter was, oh gosh, like 5 or 6 and we were down in Santa Cruz, we’re on a vacation and with some friends of ours, and she just wanted to go fishing. For some reason she got it in her, I want to go fishing, I want to go fishing. And my husband said, of course, and we’re going to go to the basin. And he was going to take her fishing where he went growing up as a kid, and she was so excited and had a zest, like, if we could have that zest, if she could still have that zest, if this is what I want to do and I want to go fishing. And she was so excited and all week was talking about how she was going to get to go fishing. And we go to the beach and they were watching the Disney show and came back to the house, right? But she was so excited about going fishing.

Koren (00:04:16) – We go to the store, we buy her a kid fishing rod. She’s so excited. She’s talking about it. We hike on in, she sits down. He helps her do whatever you do to go fishing, and she throws in her fishing line and she sits there and then in about ten minutes, she catches a fish like this is what happens to her. So she catches this fish. She’s so excited. You know, they release the fish and then he’s going to set up her fishing rod again and Mia says, I’m done. He goes but she wanted to go fishing. She’s like, I did. I fished, I caught the fish, I’m done.

Koren (00:04:53) – She asked for what she wanted. She didn’t ever commit to going fishing again. We learn that oh she asked for what she wanted. She thought she. This was something she wanted to do. We put on a story that this is going to be something her and her father could do over the next 20 years. They don’t go fishing. They do a lot of other stuff together.

Koren (00:05:12) – You can get the permission to want to do something, love to do something, be excited to do it and then change your mind, just like Mia did when she was six years old. So it’s vulnerable to have relationships and it creates connection. So maybe it’s about being vulnerable of making that phone call, reaching out, answering that text that has been sitting in your phone because I think we’ve all have them. Right. We’re overwhelmed with technology. I’ll raise my hand. There’s so many different avenues, right? And there’s so many different people that I love and adore. So we’re overwhelmed. So that can be vulnerable to reach back out because you maybe you ghosted them or you didn’t know what the right thing to say. So you didn’t say, right. Reach back out because we desire connection. And while it’s normal to have loneliness and we can all be lonely. We are hardwired for connection. So my invitation for you is understand that relationships are vulnerable. There’s uncertainty, emotional exposure, and risk. Parenting.

Koren (00:06:19) – As I walk alongside a lot of parents. It’s really vulnerable to be a parent. It’s kind of like we got this highlight reel of, oh, this is going to be great. And then there’s the reality of trudging through. It’s a lot of hard days. It’s really, really vulnerable because we’re constantly judging ourselves. It might be a bad parent. I’m not good enough, right? Am I a bad friend or am I not good enough versus being compassionate with ourselves? And being kind and saying, you know, what am I doing well. What can be improved in receiving feedback when somebody asks her what they need? Okay, so relationships are vulnerable. I know we have this idea, especially those of us that loved friends and these two friend groups. They had these apartments across and they were always there, right? I’ve had points in my life that I had stuff like that in college. I live in this great place. It was a lot of fun. It was a lot like that.

Koren (00:07:14) – And as an adult, don’t have that as much. And as we get older, it’s easier to get more socially isolated. So it’s on me to make sure I create connections. And that means I have to be willing to be vulnerable because our lives are not TV shows, and we’re also only seeing the final product. We skip over all the making of the production and all the shit shows and all that stuff, and then we judge ourselves that things aren’t flawless and we judge ourselves because we shouldn’t have to have rumblings. Right?

Koren (00:07:46) – It should just be able to go smoothly. And we set up these expectations that are very, very magical thinking but not reality. Okay. Because there’s going to be vulnerabilities, rumblings, disagreements. And that’s how we get to the beauty in the end, but not having to be perfect. All right, my friend, my invitation for you is to be vulnerable in relationships. This doesn’t mean that you just bare everything open, right and dive right into it. Even if you’re going to go into a pool, it’s always about assessing what’s the depth of the pool.

Koren (00:08:20) – Do I do a headfirst dive or do I do a feet entry? We need to have that discernment as we practice. Being vulnerable in relationships doesn’t mean, like Koren said, oh, go be vulnerable. And you’re like, okay, I’m just going to go totally naked into this relationship. We can do it in small moments, okay? And practice and build up that skill set. All right, my friend. I’m smiling big for you. Hey there. Before we go, I have a question for you. Have you subscribed to the show yet? This is an awesome opportunity for you to preserve your brain juice. I love the fact that I can subscribe to podcasts and television shows and they go straight to my iPhone or they go straight to my DVR and then I don’t have to worry of, oh no, especially with television shows. Did I hit record? Is it going to be there or now do I have to watch it on demand and go through all the commercials? So go and hit the subscribe button. There’s a link in the show notes and that will ensure you that you never miss a show. And you can also save your brain juice for other things in your life. There’s way more important things, but you and I will still be connected because the show will be waiting for you on your phone. Go to the link in the show notes. Subscribe to the show so you can automatically get all the shows to your phone.

Music (00:09:40) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.