Unnecessary suffering in the choices you make

Music (00:00:00) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.

Koren (00:00:19) – Hello and welcome. This is Koren Motekaitis. And you’re listening to How She Really Does It, the place where inspiration and possibility meet. Winters. I hate the cold. And I realize for those of us in this hemisphere, we’re going into winter and our friends Down Under are going into summer. This may not relate in terms of weather. My hunch is that in terms of unnecessary suffering and the choices we make, this will be relatable. So winters, I really do hate the cold weather, and it’s something that has taken up a lot of more brain space over the last decade, more than a decade, because of some choices that I made that I’m going to share with you all. And I get it. Some of you are going to laugh at me because you’re going to say, Koren, you live in California, you don’t have snow.

Koren (00:01:21) – You may have a few ice days and many years you don’t even have rain. I get it, I live in California. I don’t live in Southern California, where the weather is much more mild throughout the year. But I still don’t like cold weather. I just don’t like cold weather. I like to be warm, but then not too hot. So I have like this range of temperature that I like to be. And here’s the thing. I’ve been suffering unnecessarily for a decade, and I’m going to use that word suffering when we talk about suffering, where there’s a context around it, right? It’s this discomfort, right? And within the context of being somebody that has a home and has jobs and has the money to do these things, it’s unnecessary suffering. And yet I’m not suffering, right? I’m not living on the streets in that sense. I’ve often said that there’s no such thing as a trauma Olympics. I’m not talking about the suffering Olympics of who is suffering more. And what does that look like in today’s show? It’s about the unnecessary suffering I was doing to myself that was a waste of energy, attention, brain juice, choices, and even money because of this unnecessary suffering that I was going through.

Koren (00:02:39) – So I’m going to share this with you so that you can think about in your own life, where you may be having unnecessary suffering. So back in 2010, I started to turn the heater off in our house and it was all to save money in the winter. And I remember our house was like 47 to 57°F is about 8 to 14°C. So depending on where you are in the world listening to this. So it was cold again, not that cold for a lot of people, but cold for me. I’m willing to own that part of my story. And I decided to save money. And because one I was the only one at home during the day, so it was fine. Right. I could handle it like I should sacrifice myself for my family. And as women and as moms, we often do that as well as this can happen when we have fear and shame showing up. And my brain can be really good at making up scary stories. I’ve learned how to unlearn that and relearn new ways.

Koren (00:03:43) – Right. But back then, I was really good at that, especially because there was a pretty traumatic event that had happened in our family. And so that was my solution. It was like, oh, I’m going to over function in this, and this is what I’m going to do, right? Suffer and save money. And here’s the thing. When you also have an environment that supports this behavior of suffering, right, do it for the common good. Make sure to save money at all costs, even if the cost is yourself. So here’s the thing. Not only did I make this decision and it was a rather conscious decision, it was like, oh, I’m going to save money this way. But my best friend also had this cost conscious belief about keeping the heat off and just were more close. So she would suffer in her house. We would suffer in my house. We spent a lot of time hanging out, drinking coffee together and we would do this and suffer. We are in this together.

Koren (00:04:37) – So when you look around and you go, well, my people are doing this too and see this is the quote, right thing to do. That’s kind of dangerous territory, the right thing, right? We can use common humanity to our disadvantage, right, to create more suffering. And then my husband, of course, for those that know my husband, you know, he’s a coach. And his mantra used to be, you know, rough, tough, hard to bluff and use the hardship and, you know, being tough. And it’s okay to suffer, especially for the personal good of others. Right? So it was like, well, it’s not cold. Why is it a problem? Because his perspective is he was outdoors in the cold coaching on pool decks. So it’s okay. Except I’m sitting and he’s moving as a coach. So all of this helped further reinforce the unnecessary suffering. And my question for you right now as I share this story, is where do you have unnecessary suffering in your life? Think about that.

Koren (00:05:32) – We don’t need to judge ourselves. Just think about that. So back then, as much as I hated to be cold, here’s something that else is interesting. So while I would suffer during the winter and not turn on the thermostat because I was going to save money and it was going to be better for the environment and so on and so forth. Right. Kind of martyr ish. In the summertime we have spring, summer, even fall. We have triple degree heat. We’re talking hundred and plus more. That’s 38°C. And it is hot in the valley where I live, and I do not like the heat. And there was no unnecessary sharing because I am known to turning on that thermostat and making sure it’s cool and it’s comfortable. But in the winter, I had this whole thing about I must like, struggle and not allow myself to be comfortable. It’s such an interesting thing. Look in your life where you may have that sort of cognitive dissonance. Again, this is an opportunity to own our stories and love ourselves and not be themselves up and say, oh my gosh, we’re such a dumbshit.

Koren (00:06:34) – We’re so stupid. That is not helpful. And it doesn’t change behavior. It may change. It’s short term but not lasting behavior. So there’s no mind drama. There were no rules. There’s no scarcity. There’s no fear. It’s on. I don’t worry about – I was like, of course it’s on. It wasn’t even like, is it going to be on? And what would the budget be? Right. It was on. And of course there’s constraints around it, but it was on. It was accepted, but not in the winter for myself. And these are all the rules that I just made up. These were decisions I made up. And then I looked for evidence to support this. So it wasn’t totally a climate change issue about not turning on the heat because I was blasting the AC in the summertime. It was just so deeply ingrained. Something had happened and I decided to over function and I created a solution, what I thought was a solution. But it was also unnecessary because really, was it a solution? And over the last decade, I’ve done a lot of small steps to unlearn that way of being right.

Koren (00:07:35) – And even this year I created a new step to support me. So as the colder days and the weather has just changed just recently because it’s actually quite hot. But in the morning I would wake up and be like, oh, I don’t want to get out, you know, when you’re in bed and it’s so nice and warm and toasty and you have to step out of it and you’re like, oh, it’s cold. And then I have to get going, and there’s already stuff you don’t want to do. So it wasn’t very inviting to leave my bed in the morning, and I thought, I go, why don’t I just turn on the heat? So before I wake up, it’s actually warm and I’m willing to. It’s one less obstacle to make it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. Right? This is the support I could use. For some of you, you may be like, this is so frivolous, and I get it. And I also know from the work I do with clients that sometimes we need to get so specific and granular so that it can help create an idea baby in another area of your life.

Koren (00:08:26) – So at this point in my life, being able to wake up in the morning with a warm room, it helps me get moving, get started in the day. It’s that little ingredient that helps me get going, right? That I don’t have to just do sheer like it’s all on me. That’s a small step that I’ve learned, right? There are other small steps that I’m not going to need to go into, but, you know, giving myself permission to turn on the heater, giving myself permission to get a fireplace insert. That’s what I did some years ago, right? There were different things, but getting clear and clear about that, you know, playing with at what temperature do we keep the house at and how does that work in our bills versus having it so cold and then going all the way to the other side and having to heat up the whole house? What if we keep a base level of heat? That was like a learning that I did, I don’t know, some years ago, realizing that maybe that would be better long term and financially to keep a certain base level instead of letting the house get to 47 degrees and freezing.

Koren (00:09:29) – So one of the things that when my clients are in this unnecessary suffering and they’re struggling with something and they don’t want to spend the money and they’re in this like fear and scarcity, and I know their financial situations that were closely with them. I often ask them, you know, what is your money for? What is it for? So, for instance, I had a client recently who went to Europe and they decided the spouse has a bad back and is quite tall, and they decided to and they’re very fiscally conservative, but they decided to buy business class tickets to travel and upon returning was like, that was the best decision. Now, for some of you, you may say, that’s ridiculous. That’s a waste of money. Right? And I’ve talked to people about is that a value for them or is that not a value for them? There’s not a right or wrong. It’s about understanding what support looks like for you. Right? For me, getting out of bed into a warm home.

Koren (00:10:27) – And when I’m saying warm, we’re talking 68°F. So it’s not like it’s, you know, sunshine and roses, but enough where I can get out of bed and not be freezing cold to the bone. So getting really clear about what is your money for? Is it here to support you? And then what are the responsibilities that you have that maybe the dollar is already earmarked for instead of just going into unnecessary suffering? Especially if it’s about saving money, asking yourself what is the money for? Right? That’s a really important question. For so many of us, we may have an old way of being deeply ingrained. You know, in my young adulthood, I learned how to be frugal. I would grew up really poor, and I didn’t want to be that way. I was a poor college student, and, you know, I had a Pell Grant and Stafford loans. And I also realized poor is relative, because I had the resources to go to university where some people may not have those resources.

Koren (00:11:23) – And then in my 20s, I learned about being frugal, and those lessons served me really well. But you may have heard me say this often on the show is that our strengths can become our weaknesses, especially when we’re rooted in fear or shame. Right. And shame is the scarcity. It’s there’s not enough. But here’s the thing. Like I was trying to save money because I was trying to offset a potential loss of money, which really there wasn’t the loss of money, but it was like, oh, no. And I had all this fear in the scarcity. So when I started this back in 2010 of turning off the heat, it was out of fear and shame. And then I kept that behavior with ever really looking at like, is this really saving me money? Is this really necessary or is it not necessary? Or we’re in between can be the right amount of heat with a bill that, you know, we have the resources for and letting go of the identity of I’m a poor college student, I wasn’t I mean, 2010, I was, what, 38 years old I was I was so far out of college in grad school.

Koren (00:12:31) – The other thing is, is that now. Right? I’ve survived a lot of ebbs and flows as an adult. I’ve gone through really difficult things, and now I’m much more resilient. So as I sit here in the, you know, the last couple of weeks going, huh, do I really need, want, to wake up and get out of bed into a cold house. What can I do differently? Right? Like I know what my resources are in terms of being able to pay for bills. How do I want this experience to be? What is my money for? What do I want to spend it on? Those are the choices that I have, right? I have the money to pay the utilities bill, and I can still care about the environment, but not suffer with being cold because I don’t suffer with being hot in the summer. Right. And you all, I get it. It can sound so ridiculous, but these are like the prison walls that we create for ourselves, right? And I remember my best friend and I, we, we would indulge in the story of like, oh, look at us.

Koren (00:13:30) – You know, we don’t turn on the heat. We struggle, we wear layers. We do all this stuff because and we had these fireplace inserts that we refused to turn on because, you know, that would cost money. But we also paid money to put them in, but then wouldn’t use it because we didn’t want to pay the money. Again, this is what happens in our brains, and this is why it’s so important to create self awareness so we can unpack how we contradict ourselves. And then here’s the other thing is my other friends would when they would come over to my house, they would bring blankets because my house was so cold. So like, not only was I suffering, but I had a reputation of being the host that allowed for suffering for others. You could see I was stuck in my old ways of being, and I get it because it was triggered at a scary time in my life that really dialed up fear and scarcity, right? And so I doubled down on one aspect of my life that was truly unnecessary.

Koren (00:14:28) – Because here’s the thing. When I look back, did I really save money on not turning on the heat? Right? Because at some points I did have to turn on the heat and did that temperature. Having to go from such a cold, cold to house, did that eat up some of the savings? The other aspect is I bought extra clothes liners like the undergarments to wear in my life. Like maybe this is what people wear, like in other parts of the country where there’s snow and it’s cold. But here I was in my house doing that. And here’s the thing. Talk about waste. This week I was in my closet and I noticed to the side there’s like 3 or 4 packages of undergarments that I still haven’t opened because I bought a bunch again out of fear of like, oh no, what if I need it? So I bought way more than I did. So did I really save money? I highly doubt it. I think I created other exchanges, but I let it be part of my identity and it was the suffering and that I was like trying to use to justify like, oh, look at me.

Koren (00:15:28) – And it was being martyr ish, right? So all of this unnecessary suffering and we make these big sweeping motions like I did with the heat, attach it to our identity, and then we can have others who support this behavior. Right. And my best friend, my husband, without really looking into is this necessary? Am I really saving money in the end? Does this support me and the work I do? These are important questions. It’s not one. It’s not black and white. It’s not right or wrong. There’s a lot of context to get to what’s going on in that scenario. Now here’s the thing. One of the things I’ve evolved to over the years, too, is. The unlearning of being so fiscally conservative and frugal. And I really held that, you know, banned. And I’m still I’m fiscally conservative. I do believe in spending money on things that bring me value, and I’m still pretty ruthless on things that don’t. For instance, one of my favorite shares that I talk about often is I truly dislike spending $0.10 on a paper bag at the grocery store.

Koren (00:16:41) – Call it my old beliefs of getting free paper bags my whole life. Until whenever California changed the law and we had to start paying for it. I just don’t believe in paying for paper bags. So we have paper bags at home that we’ve saved. We have cloth bags. That’s what I’d rather use before spending money. And again, it’s $0.10. I have lots of $0.10 coins in my house that sit around unused, and so it’s not a lack of resources. And it’s not about saving money. It’s this belief of what’s okay and what’s not okay. We have these beliefs all the time. And yes, sometimes when I do go to the store and I don’t have a bag with me, I have to take a few deep breaths, cut myself down, and give myself permission that it’s okay to spend money on the bags. Like these are the things that go on inside my head, right? And there’s an awareness because it’s such a strong value of mine. Right. And it’s okay if I do it on occasion.

Koren (00:17:39) – I just worry sometimes about it being the slippery slope. So what are your old beliefs that may be causing you unnecessary suffering? Right. Like even the bag thing is kind of causing some unnecessary suffering because it does take brain juice when I’m at the store. And here’s the thing. As I asked these questions today, you may draw a blank right now. It’s okay. That happens. And it’s now that we’ve created this awareness, it’s this window of possibility, right? Where as you go through your day, your week, your month, the holiday season. You’re going to start to notice where is your resistance? Where maybe you are having unnecessary suffering. And then you can ask yourself, is this necessary? Is a suffering necessary or is it unnecessary? What are these choices that I’m making? Is this an old belief that no longer serves me? Or does it still serve me? Is this a strength that I dialed up? Because I’m currently rooted in fear. Shame. Those are important questions to help you start to unpack what’s going on.

Koren (00:18:50) – And then you get to decide, as the leader of your life, what is the way of being you want to move forward given your responsibilities, given your constraints, what can be true for you? The suffering I was going through each winter took up a lot of brain space, and it became such a part of my identity. And remember, it was celebrated with my best friend and approved of by my husband and approved of wasn’t like he approved of it, but it was like, oh yeah, this is what we do. We we were tough. We can do hard things. Right. And like and yes, we can do hard things, but 47 to 57 degrees in your home is ridiculous. It was unnecessary and wasn’t necessarily saving us money. That’s the important thing, right? If you’re going to make these decisions, that’s the other part that’s really important, is to follow through and see what the conclusion is. Because often we make these decisions when we move on and we never go back and re-evaluate.

Koren (00:19:46) – I’m unlearning that behavior and thinking more about what supports me in the winter, and that is in alignment with my values and priorities. So it’s still not to be wasteful, right? The cost of gas has gone up over the years, I realize that, and how can I be so that I can be supported in my home and not spend a lot of energy on this, and also not be wasteful because that’s an important value. Wasteful with energy. Wasteful with my money. Wasteful with buying things for the environment. It means that my home won’t be 84 degrees, which is 29°C again in the winter. It also means that this winter I’m going to set my thermostat so that in the mornings I wake up to a warm home. I like it to be cool at night while I’m sleeping, but I also do like it to be warm before I get out of bed. And guess what? I have the thermostats that can easily program that. That’s what would support me, and to take my time and to set that up.

Koren (00:20:46) – So as I go through and create a life I love, I find these small bits of life to make tweaks to unlearning old behaviors, ways of being. Cultural programming takes awareness and self compassion, not judging myself. And today’s show is an example of what Brené Brown says of owning our story and loving ourselves. Right. It’s really important that we own our story and love ourselves. We want to. Either hide away from our stories, put her head down, run away from it, or beat the crap out of ourselves. Neither of those actually help us create changes that we want. It just creates more dirty pain, right? So usually when we notice these types of things, we then beat ourselves up and say, oh man, I’m dumb. Like, the more that we can laugh with ourselves and say, oh, I’ve been unnecessarily suffering. I’ve been believing this story of I’m like doing such good things by struggling in a cold home. Nope. Not so right. One of the things that Kristin Neff, who’s a professor at University of Texas and she’s been on the show that she taught me, is that compassion is the biggest motivator for change.

Koren (00:21:56) – And one of the things that I know in the work I do with my clients, my own personal work, is compassion, can help with leading us to self awareness as well as the space to even think about these things. So as we end today, my question for you is where in your life may you be having unnecessary suffering in the choices you make? And what are small tweaks that you can change to reduce or get rid of that unnecessary suffering? All right, my friend, I’m smiling big for you. Hey, if you enjoy listening to this podcast, you’ll love my weekly emails. I know you’re thinking, Koren, really? Do I want another email in my overflowing inbox? Yes you do. Yippee skippy you do. These are short. They’re sweet. On Fridays, I send out the Friday podcast. It’s a great reminder that there’s a new show, and it comes straight into your inbox of the latest episode. Awesome. You click on it, you go straight. Because we all need reminders.

Koren (00:23:04) – We have busy, full lives. And then on Sundays I have my Sunday Love column and these are emails I write from the heart. They’re filled with love. We need more love. We all do, myself included. These are short emails where you get a quick takeaway so you can incorporate this into your life, because people often want to know what to do and how to do it. And maybe sometimes it’s a story that you get or there’s like one time I wrote about the ten ways to practice gratitude, and that became such a great tool when one of the readers was struggling and the middle of the night, because it can be a scary place in our brains in the middle of the night. And she remembered the email that I sent about ten ways to practice gratitude. And she was able to practice gratitude and fall back asleep. And that was an awesome lesson for her to incorporate into her life. Go to the show notes, and there’s a link in the show notes where you can sign up and get these emails in your box.

Music (00:24:06) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.