The obstacles of receiving

Music (00:00:00) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.

Koren (00:00:19) – Hello and welcome. This is Koren Motekaitis. And you’re listening to How She Really Does It, the place where inspiration and possibility meet. We have a lot going on in our world right now as I record this podcast, and it’s built upon a lot going on over, I don’t know the last ten years, eight years or so, and the influence of having social media there, which can replace connection because we’re all on this online medium together. But one of the things that gets brought to me time and time again is this disconnection that my clients are feeling, whether it’s loneliness or not feeling very good or, you know, after an interaction. And so I want to talk about the obstacles of receiving, because we’ve been taught most of us, we’ve been culturally programmed as we’ve been growing up, that it’s really important to give a compliment.

Koren (00:01:23) – It’s really important to say please and thank you. There’s all these things that we’ve been ingrained in us to do. And there are times that when we do these things, we have magical thinking of this is what’s going to happen. They’ll lead to this beautiful connection, or it’s going to be fantastic or people going to be you’re going to be well thought of. And there’s obstacles in the person receiving. And I want to talk about the obstacles here to help you understand that giving. Yes, giving is vulnerable and the obstacles may not be about you and may be about some other stuff. So let’s talk today about the obstacles of receiving. Let’s think about a time that maybe you did something that you consider nice, and the person on the other end didn’t receive it. The first area I want to talk about and share is compliments. You’ve given somebody a compliment. And yes, it takes courage, right? It’s vulnerable. It’s just taking off that armor on your heart and to say, wow, I really like that dress.

Koren (00:02:26) – Maybe that’s a really vulnerable compliment that you give to somebody and they’ll respond back, oh, it’s just from Target, right? Instead of really taking it and saying, yeah, I really like this dress too. Isn’t it fantastic? Think about when we were like little girls and we were just so beaming about stuff. But we don’t do that as adults because we don’t want to be too much. We’re afraid to stand out. It’s really, really vulnerable. Or we don’t want the people to think we’re too much. So we say, oh, well, it’s from the discount rack. Whether it is or not, that’s not something that was really necessary. But we do that again because we don’t want to be too much. We don’t want to stand out. And we don’t realize that when we do that, what’s the message we’re sending to the other person who has also been vulnerable in sharing their compliment? Right. Who’s who’s who’s taken that moment to make a compliment. And it’s hard because sometimes we’re also afraid to internally take it in.

Koren (00:03:25) – Right. We can say, oh, well, they don’t really mean it. And that often happens because we haven’t had great communication skills. Right. And this is something that I spend day in and day out working on with my clients. And I often remind them what Brené says of clear is kind, unclear, is unkind. And the reason we aren’t clear is because it’s really vulnerable. But then what happens is that when we do give a compliment, when we do say something, when we do share with somebody how much they mean to us, they may have their armor up and not even take it in. We are culturally breaking so much. Trust. These little actions that we take that we think are okay instead of being clear and kind. And I’m saying being clear and kind, not like, oh, well, that dress is really ugly. That’s your opinion, right? But clear is kind. So one thing is that when you are on the receiving end, instead of having that voice that’s protecting you and that’s armoring up and saying, oh, they don’t really mean it, what if they did? And what if you allow yourself to take it in and feel it? There could be a whole lot of other and rather than that goes on with that.

Koren (00:04:40) – But that’s the invitation for you. Take it in, allow yourself to absorb it. And here’s the thing about compliments: it’s a compliment. It doesn’t mean when we don’t. Some of you may be like saying, well, Koren, you talk about don’t be an approval whore. I’m not saying that like this is going to change your direction. I talk about receiving compliments. It’s kind of like eating ice cream. Enjoy it. Right? Especially if you’re eating ice cream. That’s not the time to beat yourself up and say, oh, what’s wrong with me? I’m eating ice cream and I shouldn’t be eating ice cream. That’s how we do with compliments, right? Eat the ice cream and enjoy it. Take in the compliments. It’s a delight. It’s a joy. It’s not something that’s going to sustain you. Sometimes it may help you have a bit more resilience and get through the day. And sometimes the feedback may be something that you need because you’re not quite sure and you want somebody else’s perspective.

Koren (00:05:35) – Those we need to be careful of who those people are, because if we’re trying to win over the haters, that’s a really, really challenging job and really not necessary. But really receiving these compliments is important because you’re taking it in, right? And you’re allowing somebody to give you something and you’re accepting it. The other obstacle about receiving compliments is years ago, when I was doing the Daring Way training, I was so excited because I wasn’t one that gave compliments. I also knew that, you know, it creates shit shows. I don’t even know the word shit show back then, but I knew when it created shit shows and people were always concerned when somebody told them, you know, I’d have clients in this really upset when somebody would make a comment about how they look. So I just didn’t say stuff. We were going through the training. And so I was like, okay, I’m going to be brave. And a colleague of mine was training and she’s very beautiful. And I made a comment about her in this activity.

Koren (00:06:31) – We did this and she put these slides up of what shame looked like and what I think vulnerability looks like, or authenticity authenticity look like. And it was the striking snow leopard I was looking at. A snow leopard. And I was looking at her and I was looking at the snow leopard and I’m like, wow, they’re both so exquisite and beautiful. Like I was just like, there was a connection there. And so I’m so eager. I’m like, I’m going to be brave. I’m going to do a good thing and then get in the elevator with her and we’re all going out to lunch, get an elevator. It’s packed. So that probably wasn’t great discernment on my part. It’s packed. And I said to I was like, oh my gosh, you are so striking and so exquisite. Like that snow leopard you had on that picture. Both of you are so beautiful. And I’m like, yay, Koren, you gave a compliment. And I could feel the tension in the elevator.

Koren (00:07:19) – And there’s kind of some that’s like resistance. And she said, oh, thank you. She went through the motions and I’m like, I’m just proud of myself carrying on. We go to lunch, we come back. And then in the training. We learn about how we want to be perceived and how we don’t want to be perceived. It’s all identity work. And I was like, oh, and one of the people in there said that she loved to decorate, loved it, loved it, loved it. Had all these Christmas trees, you know, and home decoration. Home decor was her thing. And her best friend would call her Martha Stewart. It was a praise of, oh, you’re Martha Stewart, because look at you. You’ve loved home decor and you’re so fantastic and fabulous. My colleague was, oh, but she doesn’t know the mess that I have in the basement. And if she were to ever go down there and there’s a tornado warning, then she would see it.

Koren (00:08:16) – And all the shame triggers that came about from that. Right. It’s that I am bad. I’m not good enough. That voice. And so this is the thing about compliments is that we don’t know. We think we’re giving something good. And I just gave you two examples. One was with a basement, the other was my colleague. So that night we got to dinner after hearing this because I was like, oh no. I’ve done something wrong, right? So I’m in my own shame storm now at this point, thinking here, I thought I was doing something good and I was really being authentic and being brave and sharing a compliment. And now I find out that I could be doing it. Potentially a shame trigger. And I thought, well, the solution is to just never talk to people ever again, right? Because then I don’t have to worry about that. But I talked to her at dinner and I said, you know, after that exercise we did in the afternoon, I learned this, and I wanted to see how it landed.

Koren (00:09:11) – Was it a shame trigger for you? And she said, you know, it was because growing up, I would get ridiculed by my family of origin that I was too much, that I liked pretty things. We were pretty poor. And so they would ridicule her and make a lot of comments about how she liked things to be pretty. And so it was painful for her. And I listened and I learned, and I remember going back to the hotel going, huh? What do I say? What do I not say? And I was rumbling with this with another colleague of mine. We’re like, wow, you know, it’s really hard to like, we want connection and we want to do what we think is the right thing, right? We’ve always been told, give a compliment. But what happens when there’s an obstacle of receiving? And so I share these stories with you because you may be a giver. And if you’re on the giving side, you’re thinking, I’m doing something really good.

Koren (00:10:08) – Yay me! Look at me. And you are. And then it may hurt when it falls flat. Or you may feel because shame is highly contagious. And in those situations, like in that elevator, I could feel my colleague’s shame come up. I could feel it rise. And I remember getting up the elevator going, I don’t feel good. And at that time, I wasn’t so good about understanding the emotion of shame. Now when it gets flung my way, I’m like, oh no shame. And I really check in, right? And I’m able to process what is mine, what is not. So you may feel that feeling. The obstacle of receiving is not just that moment. It can be what has happened to us before. It can be the messages that we’ve been told. Don’t be too much, you know, don’t stand out. Right. And so we’ll dismiss it. Or it could be that there have been other people who weren’t clear, and then they were told these things and they disappeared.

Koren (00:11:09) – It’s really challenging to be a human because we so desire connection. And we’ve learned such ways that actually create disconnection. Like not being clear, we’re thinking we’re being nice, but it’s really not being nice when we go somebody versus giving people feedback or asking people for what we want or only saying what we truly mean. So then when somebody gives you a compliment, you have all of those messes to untangle. So the obstacles, right, are our own dismissal of receiving it, throwing away or thinking that they don’t really mean it. And we’re putting a disclaimer, or it’s about how we want to be perceived or how we don’t want to be perceived. Right. And even though you may want to be perceived as exquisite and striking and beautiful, you may have had messages growing up that you were too much because you had that desire. And so then when you do get the compliment, you shut it down. It’s really, really important that we learn how to receive, you know? And even if it’s like my friend or my colleague in the elevator, she said, thank you.

Koren (00:12:19) – But there was tension behind it. And when we say thank you, my invitation is for you to be able to embody it and to be able to practice receiving it. So not just going through the motions, the robotic motions of thank you, but really leaning in and saying thank you for making the generous assumption that they really do mean it. Making the generous assumption that they are giving you a gift and you are worthy to receive it. That is my invitation for you because we are hardwired for connection, and that is a struggle that every one of my clients, you know, the monster communities, people that I come into day in and day out is they want to know that they have a place of belonging. But then they also we also don’t receive, which gets in the way of that. Right? So with my friend in the elevator, the other colleague of mine who was talking about she was afraid that people, would there would be a tornado warning and they would go into her basement in that moment that she’s hosting people.

Koren (00:13:29) – She’s not connected because she’s so afraid of a tornado warning and people seeing it versus, as Brené would say, own your story and love yourself. You can have home decor and you can have a shit show down in the basement, right? Instead of thinking all areas have to be clean and Martha Stewart like. And remember, Martha Stewart is a figure. There’s a whole team behind her, right? Hundreds of people, and they probably have shit shows of storage places as well. We forget that and then we beat ourselves up. So in this obstacles of receiving, right, there’s a lot of shame behind it. And it takes a lot of courage. And as I said, when I open the show today, it can be really hard. We’re going through really hard stuff in our world. There’s been natural disasters. There’s a war in the Middle East, right? We had a shutdown of the whole world a few years ago. There’s political matters. There’s a lot of heart. There’s health issues, there’s family, there’s aging.

Koren (00:14:33) – Right? There’s socioeconomic issues. People are tapped out. We have this thing on social media will be interesting in 50 years. What’s the outcome of that and what we learned about that. Right. But it’s hard right now. And yes, we can do hard things, but that doesn’t mean we always have to. So when in the position of receiving, I invite you to take it in, really embody it. If the person says it. No need to question it. Receive it and keep your eyes open as a compassionate observer. We don’t go, oh, will they give me this compliment? And they can always be trusting. Trust can be broken in small moments and earned in small moments. It’s not that you’re keeping a tally notice, because so often people are afraid to receive because they don’t want to be blindsided. That’s why we keep our eyes wide open, and that’s why we do it from a place of compassionate observer, because it actually opens up our brain. So allow yourself to receive it and keep your eyes wide open.

Koren (00:15:38) – Say thank you. Embody it. No need to share the discount if you got it on a discount or put down your purchase. Embrace it. Like yes. Isn’t this awesome? This dress. This purse, these shoes. They’re so fun, I love it. It’s really, really vulnerable, isn’t it? Right. But really embrace that dial up self compassion for yourself so you can receive. As well as the compassion for the other person who is courageously reaching out. All right, my friend, I’m smiling big for you. Hey, if you enjoy listening to this podcast, you’ll love my weekly emails. I know you’re thinking, Koren, really? Do I want another email in my overflowing inbox? Yes you do. Yippee skippy you do. These are short. They’re sweet. On Fridays, I send out the Friday podcast. It’s a great reminder that there’s a new show and it comes straight into your inbox of the latest episode. Awesome. You click on it, you go straight. Because we all need reminders.

Koren (00:16:41) – We have busy, full lives. And then on Sundays I have my Sunday Love column and these are emails I write from the heart. They’re filled with love. We need more love. We all do, myself included. These are short emails where you get a quick takeaway so you can incorporate this into your life, because people often want to know what to do and how to do it. And maybe sometimes it’s a story that you get or there’s like one time I wrote about the ten ways to practice gratitude, and that became such a great tool when one of the readers was struggling and the middle of the night, because it can be a scary place in our brains in the middle of the night. And she remembered the email that I sent about ten ways to practice gratitude. And she was able to practice gratitude and fall back asleep. And that was an awesome lesson for her to incorporate into her life. Go to the show notes, and there’s a link in the show notes where you can sign up and get these emails in your box on the link.

Music (00:17:45) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.