The Holiday Season

Music (00:00:00) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.

Koren (00:00:19) – Hello and welcome. This is Koren Motekaitis. And you’re listening to How She Really Does It, the place where inspiration and possibility meet. Halloween is over, and this show is dropping the day after Thanksgiving for those that live in the states. So we are well into the holiday season. There’s the idea of the season, and for so many, the reality which can often be quite different. Often this holiday season is about overwhelm and obligation. It’s about trying to fulfill these ideas without even the consciousness. Is this what we truly want? Is this what the people we love really want? It’s more about what we’re supposed to do. This is what we should do. This is what we must do. And there can also be beauty in the holidays as well. Time spent with people you care about, but maybe not seeing on a frequent basis.

Koren (00:01:25) – And the holiday season can create a consciousness of loneliness because of the space that you have in your life with lack of connections. So going into this holiday season, I do often spend quite a bit of time coaching my clients around this, whether it’s being grateful because there’s not an office party to attend to, or being upset because there is an office party, or being overwhelmed, right? Or how to deal with difficult family members at these dinners. So the holiday season, we have what the cultural programming says it’s supposed to look like. And then we often have the reality. And I just gave you some different examples and you can think about what is it you’re like, what is your idea and what is the reality? For me, this time of the year is also layered with end of year travel. And years ago I’ve gotten better at this because as we do this work, as we become more conscious of ourselves and of our lives and our environments, we get clearer about what do we want from this.

Koren (00:02:35) – But years ago, and I’ve talked about it on this show here, I would really want to be invited to the parties. Then as soon as I got it, I’d be resenting about the obligation of going, right? It’s like I couldn’t be happy either way. And that had to do with the brain juice of figuring out what to wear. I remember one night we’d been in such a drought for so long, I couldn’t even find my umbrellas on the night of this Christmas party that I chose to go to, I had to figure out this whole umbrella thing, and I couldn’t even find an umbrella nor buy an umbrella. And I wound up going to the party in a bit of rain. It was all fine in the end. The other part of the obligations is making small talk, right? And then coming home late and then being exhausted and further behind on sleep life holiday preparations. So I used to struggle with this, like, oh, I really want to be invited to these parties.

Koren (00:03:28) – And then if I was busy because of my work travel, then having resentment of that versus I chose these work choices to go to and understanding that I can’t miss make everything. And that’s okay. So maybe you host a Thanksgiving. You know, I like on Thanksgiving weekend to set up the Christmas tree. We go and get a tree. We set it up. I like to get the Christmas card sent out. I’ve even had to like, relax a bit because I used to like it to be sent out that weekend. So go out that first week and it’s gotten a bit later over the years, right? As I’ve had other priorities and I just give myself permission. It’s okay. And I love to do the Christmas cards, the holiday cards. I could have a whole story of resentment towards my family. We used to do it as a production. It was a team. And you know, it was great because my kids learned how to, like, stamp an envelope, write their home address.

Koren (00:04:21) – Right. We had this crew and it worked, and I really love it. I love that for me, it’s a part of play of when am I going to make my card? What pictures, what story am I going to tell? So it’s a creative process for me and it’s fun. And then I love, love, love getting holiday cards. It’s one of my favorite things. I get so excited and I still have last year’s. I put them up on our wall in the hallway and I need to take them down. My kids get over me with that, but I just love it. I love to see all the pictures. I love to see all these people that have been a part of our lives, and to see them grow and learn about their lives. And seen in a snippet, right. I just, I love it. There’s something about the physical. I’ve gotten email cards and, you know, and that’s okay. But I love holiday cards and I don’t want people to do it because it’s out of obligation.

Koren (00:05:10) – Right? For me, it’s something that’s really delightful and I’d actually rather spend time doing that than some of the other holiday things. So thinking about what is it for you? So as we think about these final weeks of 2023, holy moly, 2023, we’re going into 2024. What do these final weeks of the year look like for you? And yes, I’m asking for you, often my clients, my people, our community, it’s always worth thinking about. What do we need to do for others? What do you want from this time? What do you want from this holiday season? These are really important because you may get triggered and have resistance and think, oh, I’m being really selfish if it’s about me, but it’s about feeling you up so that you can pour out and give and so that you don’t end up in January resentful and exhausted and hating the holidays and thinking that you never want to do it again. I know that can be kind of dramatic, but that is some of the stuff that happens when we get so exhausted we will do that.

Koren (00:06:16) – We’ll say that at least not follow through on it. So what do you want from this time? What do you want from these last few weeks of 2023? What do you need? Maybe you need rest. I need a lot of rest this year. I’ve been resting a lot and really taking care of myself. And I need a lot of rest and really, really tired. I’m shutting down work early this year. I’m going to have some downtime. My family will be here. We don’t do travel during the winter. Holiday season, and that may change as my kids graduate from college and stuff. Right? But what do you want? What do you want for you? And my invitation for you is to put yourself in the equation. Often we have like partner or husband or spouse, kids, mom or dad. Right. All these people and it goes equals a successful holiday experience. And we forget to make sure that we’re part of that equation. Self, partner, spouse, right.

Koren (00:07:15) – Children, family, work all of those are part of the equation. We need to make sure and it’s not selfish. I was coaching somebody yesterday and she’s like, oh, maybe I’m selfish. Taking care of herself is not selfish. And you can sacrifice right now. But the other side is what’s the cost long term. And I see those ramifications long term. Look around in your life where you see somebody who’s really bitter and resentful and angry. What got them to there? My hunch is they didn’t put themselves in the equation. What do you dream of? But don’t think it’s possible for you? What do you dream of? Maybe your family always does this for the holidays, and you’re over it. And you can even hear your family’s over it. What’s another thing you can do? I remember years ago, the holidays when I was a kid. Growing up. They were really tumultuous. You know, there’s alcohol involved and non-emotional intelligence. And I remember my cousin, who’s quite a bit older than me when he decided to host.

Koren (00:08:19) – He’s like, we’re not doing a turkey. We’re going to do it on Saturday because there were a lot of firefighters in my family, because we’re going to do it on Saturday and sit on Thursday because we make Thanksgiving the day it is, and we’re having pesto pasta. And I was like, pesto pasta, what is what is this pesto pasta stuff? I think it was probably like in seventh or eighth grade. We did it and it was actually quite beautiful, like my cousins could work on the holidays, we could come on a Saturday. There wasn’t all the fiascos with the turkey and the oven and being starving and waiting until 830 at night. It was easy. It was fun. We got to connect. So that’s something to think about. Like sometimes we get so ingrained and this is the way we’ve always done it, without consciously saying, is this something we want to continue? What parts do we want to continue? What parts maybe we want to not do this year and we can always try it, bring it back next year.

Koren (00:09:10) – So what do you dream of but don’t think is possible for you? That’s the question. Allow yourself to explore that. And I get it. Part of adulting is taking care of our responsibilities, right? Our family, children, aging parents, spouses, partners, or jobs. We may have people that we lead at work and we have those responsibilities. There’s work colleagues. There’s responsibilities, right? The world doesn’t just shut down just because of the holidays. Things continue on. So it’s not about an either or. It’s about a what do you dream of and what are the other responsibilities and how do they fit together? What does it look like for you? And here’s the thing it doesn’t have to take that long. I was coaching a client yesterday and we are talking about tactile breathing or yoga breathing. Right. It’s a square breathing where you breathe in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds. And you keep doing that and doing these squares and how that can help reduce stress.

Koren (00:10:14) – That may be what you need and maybe what you have capacity for taking up space as allowing yourself to breathe. Breathe. Instead of holding your breath and taking shallow breaths and being more stressed. It could be going outside for ten minutes to go on a walk. One of the things that I do after a pretty long day in the office is I do work on getting outside, because some days I could just stay in the office and realize I never leave. But going outside, going for a walk. And where I live, there’s these great green belts. The pool, is just around the corner. And so I walk over there. It’s in a park which has all these great trees. I’m outside. I’m connecting with people. It’s really refreshing going outside. It can be ten minutes. We think it has to be these big, elaborate things. But what could be easy that you can do that can fill you up? It doesn’t have to be long. It can be lying on the carpet and looking at the trees.

Koren (00:11:13) – This has been my latest thing. It didn’t make any sense. I’m always fascinated with myself. I’m like, oh, I just want to lay here and look at the trees. Why do I want to lay here and look at the trees? Right. I’ve been a part of hustle culture. I’ve been a part of work hard, you know, just keep going, grind it out, have grit, resilience. And I guess this 51 year old self is laying around looking at the trees. My brain is still pretty busy. There’s a lot of thinking and reflection that goes on, but there has been so much good healing this fall with staring out the window and looking at the trees. I highly recommend it and it’s free. It’s not a fixed time. We can all fit it in at some point. So one of the things that’s really important is to fill yourself up so that you have the ability to give the season notice. That’s why it’s not selfish. It’s not filling yourself up and being a taker and being like, I need to take and I need to be, you know, this is for me and to hell with you all.

Koren (00:12:11) – It’s about filling yourself up so that you can pour into others, because we can’t give what we don’t have. And we’ve been mistaken with all the cultural programming that we can do it all. And we’re supposed to. Right? I have unlearned that, and I continue to unlearn it and look for other areas of, oh, where am I still thinking I need to do it all? What do I need to do? What do I want to do and what can I get rid of and not do? And that means that we must stop living by other people’s rules and expectations, cultural programming, and make sure that we’re part of our own equation. Right. And it’s not throwing out the other things. It’s about taking up space. And that may mean saying no to some things. And then I ask you, would that be so bad to say no? You may say, oh, but my friend won’t invite me next year. What if you let your friend know? I really love being invited.

Koren (00:13:12) – Thank you so much. And this year I don’t have capacity and I would love to be included next year. Those are the things that we forget to say. We just say no. And then we let them make up stories. And if you do it for a few years, then they’re like, well, I guess they don’t want to come and they take you off the list. And it may be because of some armor of, I’m going to protect me and take you off the list. We need to be discerning and stop holding out the promise of the idea versus the reality for us. We hold on to the promise of this idea of like, oh, it’s going to be the holidays. It’s going to look like this. We’re all going to sit around the table. It’s going to be glorious, right? We have all this magical thinking when it comes to the holidays, and we forget about the shit shows and the difficulties and the difficult behaviors and the fact that we may be coming in with about 10% fuel in reserves.

Koren (00:14:03) – Right. And instead, if we can be discerning, we do this by being compassionate with ourselves and with others, knowing that there’s going to be shit shows, knowing that people are not maybe not going to be on their best behavior. People are going to be exhausted and allowing ourselves to be fascinated by the human experience. It’s way better to walk into a room being fascinated than being judgmental and rolling her eyes. And so by being compassionate with ourselves and having that self compassion, it’s about asking ourselves, what do we want? What do I want? What do others want? Where does it meet in the Venn diagram? And yes, it’s vulnerable and it takes some time, but it’s so worth it. And for you to be able to have the holiday experience you desire, instead of feeling all sorts of resentment and exhaustion in January, you get to be a part of this holiday season and a part of the equation of what you do. Make time and space for you this holiday season. Your loved ones will appreciate it in the long run.

Koren (00:15:09) – In the long run, they may not appreciate it right now because they may not be getting what they want, and you’ll be more fulfilled and less resentful come January. Happy holidays! I’m smiling big for you. Hey there. Before we go, I have a question for you. Have you subscribed to the show yet? This is an awesome opportunity for you to preserve your brain juice. I love the fact that I can subscribe to podcasts and television shows, and they go straight to my iPhone, or they go straight to my DVR, and then I don’t have to worry of oh no, especially with television shows. Did I hit record? Is it going to be there or not? Do I have to watch it on demand and go through all the commercials? So go and hit the subscribe button. There’s a link in the show notes, and that will ensure you that you never miss a show. And you can also save your brain juice for other things in your life. There’s way more important things, but you and I will still be connected because the show will be waiting for you in your phone.

Koren (00:16:11) – Go to the link in the show notes. Subscribe to the show so you can automatically get all the shows to your phone.

Music (00:16:20) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.