Vulnerable Talk: Creating Communication Rules

Music (00:00:03) – She’s dreaming, she’s drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else than she would rather be.

Koren (00:00:19) – Hello and welcome. This is Koren Motekaitis and you’re listening to How She Really Does It, the place where inspiration and possibility meet. Do you remember back in the day when it was so exciting for the phone to ring and there may be a race to the phone to who could answer it, to even talk to the person on the other end? I remember being a kid and thinking, it’s not gonna be for me, but the ability to answer the phone and how cool that was. And finally in junior high, having people to call and I spent so much time on the phone, I love to be on the phone. It was my connection to the outside world, right? And it brought me so much joy. So when did making phone calls become so damn vulnerable? It’s scary, right? And it’s scary in the sense of the vulnerability of uncertainty.

Koren (00:01:24) – There’s emotional exposure, there’s risk. What if they’re busy? What if they don’t wanna talk to me? What if they don’t really like me? What if they’re only doing it because they feel obligated to? We have all this noise in our head in 2023 about making a phone call and it’s really vulnerable. And I’m not quite sure what happened between the seventies and now in terms of why it’s changed. I know that what we do now is we text. We don’t pick up the phone and call. We do something short. And I also know that we are desiring or longing for connection. We’re longing for connection. But the very thing that we don’t do is pick up the phone and have the risk of calling somebody and then not answering and I get it. We’re overwhelmed. We have so many different ways that people can get to us.

Koren (00:02:21) – There’s phone, there’s text, there’s email, there’s social media, there’s so many different avenues. I get overwhelmed and when I’m in my workday, especially with clients, I turn everything off because it’s my commitment to be with them. So my phone goes straight to voicemail. And it’s so interesting because my phone now has some new function that I haven’t spent the time or energy figuring out where I was missing some calls that were kind of important, right? Because my phone is automatically set to do-not-disturb. And there’s beauty in that to have that silence. But it’s also really difficult and challenging to be on the other end. What I know from the work that I do is that the humans I work with and myself included, have this desire to connect. We have a desire to belong. And so whether it’s we find sports teams to belong in, whether it’s we find clubs to be a part of, in colleges is the Greek system, right?

Koren (00:03:26) – There’s clubs, there’s organizations, there’s networking events. We are looking for our people and wanting connection. And then there’s that damn phone in vulnerability, there’s the vulnerability of reaching out and the white space and when that call isn’t returned. And there’s also the rules of how it’s shifted depending on the generation. It was so interesting. I called a friend who’s in her seventies last night and it went to voicemail and it was so delightful because she called me today and we are making plans for my trip to go down and visit. But how often does that happen with maybe your peers or your adult children? Maybe you’re reaching out to your adult children and it’s going into the vortex of silence. Not even a thumbs up. There’s that vulnerability, right? There’s all these new rules and it’s not clear which we know is not kind because different people are playing with different sets of rules.

Koren (00:04:28) – My friend, she has that, somebody called me, I’m gonna return the call back. We text as well. But different generations have different sets of rules. And so what’s really important is being really clear about it as well as ourselves, managing our minds, managing our minds when we’re in that white space, right? When we send out something and we don’t hear and we don’t create a story of, oh, they don’t like me, I’m not enough or I’m bothering them, I know a lot of people are really overwhelmed. This has been quite a week. There was a lot going on and I have some other travel plans coming at the end of the summer with a longtime friend and she reached out to me last week via text. She lives in Mexico. And she texted me and I couldn’t get to it. And then finally I said, I’m slammed right now.

Koren (00:05:21) – I’ll get back to you. And forgot about it till this week, right? And then we were, we’re texting and we’re having issues with it, texting. And then, we are now switching over to WhatsApp, which is another channel. Like I really try to stay away from WhatsApp, but I’m embracing it more and more. It’s another channel for me to go into and to be able to do the connections. My friend’s really worth it. So I’m going there, I’m ready to send her a zoom link and both of us get on Zoom so we can talk it out versus texting our plans. So there’s all these new rules of communication and everybody has a different communication style. And so here’s a couple of mine. Like we still have a landline in our home and yes it has caller ID and I have a cell phone.

Koren (00:06:08) – And years ago I stopped giving out my cell phone number because it became, it was before we had the phones, now have all these blockings and stuff, but the phone would ring or people would call me what they thought was an emergency, but it wasn’t. And I remember driving down the road thinking it was my kids calling to find out it was an AquaMonster parent, right? And I needed to have better boundaries. And so one of the boundaries that I started to do was to teach people the best way to get a hold of me. And the best way for the Monsters was via email. It was a way that I could sit down and really think through things and if I needed to, I could call versus when, you know, if I’m on the pool deck, back then I wasn’t having my phone, it was in my backpack.

Koren (00:06:53) – If I’m with my family eating dinner, I’m gonna be with my family eating dinner. And I started teaching people what was worth an emergency to call my home landline. And I stopped giving out my cell phone number. And I have to be honest, like I have really great friends who, when people have asked for my cell phone number, they haven’t given it. So they’ve understood. I’ve been really clear about my boundary. This has probably been a good 10 or 13 years, right? That I’ve been really clear about that boundary. That phone number is my bat line and I’m really, really clear about what that’s for. Because it’s a direct access to me. And in 2023 it’s kind of evolved because of whatever latest update and my lack of willingness to really look into it. Except that I know that my work hours it just goes off, right?

Koren (00:07:42) – Which is quite a beautiful thing. Unless I’m waiting for a phone call to come through. And if somebody gives you the permission and says, hey, instead of setting up something ahead of time, I’d like it to be free formatting. Just pick up the phone and call me. And if I’m available, I will answer. And if I’m not, I won’t answer. And if you’re not available, I would like you to call me back. That part may need to be part of the negotiations, right? In the seventies, I don’t think we negotiated about that. If somebody called, we picked up. I remember my parents picking up, I remember how glorious it was to get an answering machine cuz then you wouldn’t miss calls. And how important it was when you got home to listen to your message machine. Even as the college student back when I was in university, you know, I’d come home and see like what messages were in our machine, what messages were on the whiteboard that maybe somebody dropped by at our apartment and would write something in, right?

Koren (00:08:37) – It was so, so vital because those were the two avenues of connection or meeting on the quad at lunchtime. But that was it. Now there are so many channels for connection, it’s overwhelming. It is utterly overwhelming. And yet we still want to connect. And for me, while it can be fun to connect on social media, it’s actually not this fun anymore, right? In 2009, 2010, it was quite fun to do that. But I want real human connection. Whether it’s a phone call, whether it’s spending time with people, right? 2023 is becoming a year of really connecting with friends and family and spending time together and traveling together and really wanting that time with others where maybe that’s because the last few years there’s been less of that. Or maybe it’s because I’m 50, who knows. But realizing that everybody has different sets of rules and unless we’re clear about it, it’s really hard to figure out what the rules are and we need to work on also asking for what it is that we need.

Koren (00:09:43) – The other thing that’s happened is that, you know, the texting, I remember when I had a Blackberry is so excited to have a Blackberry phone because I could email and I would be productive and multitask and my email would buzz at 10:30 night by my bed and I would, you know, email back and I couldn’t figure out the texting. Now texting is kinda like the faster lane to people. Well, depending on how you have your phone set up. But it’s in the faster lane than email. And it’s shorter and quicker. But I miss connecting with people and sometimes the typing just takes so long, right? So what are the rules about texting? When you text somebody, say, hey, when’s a good time to talk? Then you have to sit there and think, oh, when can I schedule this? And I don’t know about you all, but I do a lot of scheduling in my day-to-day life.

Koren (00:10:31) – I don’t really like to do scheduling. And it was so beautiful cuz last week somebody called me, a friend called me and I picked up, we got to chat for like 10 or 15 minutes and then she had to go. And I hadn’t talked to her in about a year. It was quite delightful. So you may never know the gift that you’re giving somebody by picking up the phone. And yes, it’s vulnerable because when you pick up the phone and make the call and they don’t answer, what are the stories that are in your brain? What is your relationship with yourself? It’s actually kind of a cool mirror. It’s a great exercise when somebody doesn’t pick up and that white space that you have that’s vulnerable. And then how do you treat yourself in that space? Do you say things like, oh they don’t like me or I’m not important enough, or I’m being too much or they’re busy and I’m not.

Koren (00:11:23) – Instead of that, how about we just say they didn’t pick up? Did you leave a message and ask for what you needed? Which is hey give me a call back. I’m available at this time. Now if you were to call my message, which I won’t be giving out that phone number, but my voicemail some years ago cuz I’d had it, I’m overwhelmed. I left some sort of voicemail that said, you know, this is Koren, I’m not here. I really suck at giving phone calls back or something like that. So if you leave a message, please don’t expect a phone call back. Something like that. I don’t know quite exactly. I haven’t listened to it for a long time and it’s fascinating cuz I learned a lot about people with that message. I was just trying to be clear is kind like I’m overwhelmed. There’s too many inputs.

Koren (00:12:11) – If you leave a message, I may miss it and just don’t expect me to call you back. Right? Like call me back again. That’s a better shot. Some people thought that was fantastic or they would chuckle and they’d laugh and they’d leave me a message, right? And there was one person I remember who was like, oh, okay, right? It was, my message was really troublesome. I was trying to be really clear. It’s not that I’m better than anybody, it’s none of that stuff. In fact, it’s like a matter of overwhelm and there’s just too much. And I had chaos and not enough organizational skills on all the incoming messages, inbound messages towards me. And so it was a step in building boundaries so that I could survive. I wasn’t even thriving back then, but to survive, right? I still have that message. I don’t know if people really listen to it or not.

Koren (00:13:06) – I still have lots of messages. I probably have 58 voicemails on my phone because my question for you now is how many of you actually listened to your voicemails or do you see somebody called and then hit call back? Or maybe you, if you have an iPhone, you look at what the transcript says and then decide to call back or text back. So be careful of the stories that you make. It may not be about you, it may be about the person on the other end. They could be really struggling like I’ve been, right? They may not be available. I mean one of the things when our kids were young and the phone would ring, the landline would ring and the younger kids would say, oh, we need to answer it. And we said, look, we have an answering machine, we’ll listen to it. And if it’s something that’s an emergency or important enough to interrupt our family meal together, we’ll answer it.

Koren (00:13:58) – If not, we can call back. And it was also a way to protect the boundaries within our family of saying, Hey, this is our time together. Let’s be together. We can always get back to that phone. We want others to do what we want so that we can feel better about ourselves. So like if we call somebody, we want them to pick up the phone because then therefore it’s validation. See, they like me, I matter, I’m worth their time. That may or may not be the situation. You may totally matter. And they may not either have the capacity, they might not hear their phone ring, they may be on another call or in another situation where they can’t talk. It may be really loud, especially now that we carry our phones with us everywhere. They may be in a situation where it’s really loud. And so if they were to pick up the phone, it would be really disrespectful to you cuz you couldn’t hear them north.

Koren (00:14:56) – Could they hear you? There can be so many alternatives and instead of making a generous assumption of others, we beat ourselves up and say that we’re not enough. And here’s the thing is that it’s so important during these times to make that generous assumption, right? Because when we seek out approval from others and they answer the phone and we’re like, oh, okay, I was vulnerable, but they like me and we feel good. I think of it like, you know those hourglass clocks that with the sand timers, I used them for my retreat that I had when clients came into town, but they’re filled with sand, right? And you flip it over to time something, as soon as you flip it over, the full amount starts to drip. And that’s what happens when we’re trying to get our approval from other people. As soon as we get it, it feels good, but then it starts to go away and then we need to get it again and we need to get it again.

Koren (00:15:52) – Versus being able to manage our own mindset. Being able to realize that people may not be able to, they may not have the capacity and you may not have enough information of why they didn’t pick up right now, right? And so if we can allow that space of vulnerability, it can actually do less harm to ourselves and they can allow us to create connection and maybe get more clarity. And then for those of you who may not wanna pick up, because the person on the other end you don’t want to talk with, it’s about learning how to give them clear information about what’s the best way that you have the capacity to talk with them. Either…iIs there a time when maybe you don’t wanna be on the phone, maybe you don’t like to be on the phone, maybe you don’t like the person, right?

Koren (00:16:41) – And that being okay, letting that person free, we don’t have to do it mean, but we can be free. I have this great story. I was at this writer’s retreat years ago in Portland. There was this woman there and she had this big personality. And anyways, we were at lunch one day and she was talking about her husband and how he was so great and, and she was telling the story. But she said, actually before I was with him, I was dating this guy for quite a bit of time, about six years. And they had dated and he was, he was a great guy and they had fun, but they both knew that they weren’t going to move any further with the relationship. So they were filling time with each other and she knew she wanted more. But if he was there, then that would just kind of keep her in that situation.

Koren (00:17:29) – Versus being able to have the freedom to go and find the person that she did wanna get married and spend, you know, I guess the rest of her life with, right? That’s kind of how the theory of marriage goes. So they had a date, she went out to dinner, and at dinner, you know, she talked about how lovely he was and she said, and, and here’s the thing, like I’ve really enjoyed your company. You’re quite lovely. And we both know we’re not gonna go any further with this. This is what we’re both doing. So it’s time to set each other free, right? It’s time to set each other free so that we can go and find what our hearts desire. It’s not that one of us is bad or not good enough, but there’s more that we want and that’s okay. And he was a little shocked, like, what do you mean I thought we were here on a date to celebrate and now you’re breaking up with me.

Koren (00:18:15) – And she’s like, I’m setting you free. So often we think things have to end because somebody needs to be the villain. And so often, like when a friendship is ending or maybe it no longer works, we will either ghost people because we don’t know how to have the words to be clear. So if you are avoiding somebody because you don’t want to be clear with them, that is really unkind. And instead be kind, she kindly let him go, right? And that’s an example for you to be able to go, okay, if that is possible for her, what can you do? So somebody’s not spending time calling you and not getting a response, calling you, not getting a response. And you’re on the other end saying, you know, they really should figure this out. I’m not responding. The thing is it’s not clear and a lot of people aren’t responding right now, so be really clear.

Koren (00:19:13) – Okay? That’s just a side note because often I think it’s more about, you know, we’re busy, we’re overwhelmed, maybe we don’t want to talk. Maybe we’d rather do something else. Have connection and conversation in different ways and being really clear about that. Okay? So make the phone call. It’s fine to do it the old fashioned way. Call somebody and you can even call somebody and leave them a lovely voicemail. If you’re calling me and leaving me a lovely voicemail, I may not hear it. So know your audience, but you can call ’em, leave a lovely voicemail if you want them to call you back, ask them to call you back. Have conversations with people. It’s a two-parter. What do you want and need? What do they want and need? And where does the Venn diagram come? So my friend, let’s not make others responsible for our own internal well being because that’s an awfully huge burden to take.

Koren (00:20:11) – And then what tends to happen is people will isolate more because they don’t wanna be obligated, right? They want invitations, not obligations. And instead, make the phone call in the space even if nobody is picking up. And then notice what you tell yourself? Notice, listen. Listen inside. Question. Is it true? Feel what’s going on inside of you? What’s coming up? Allow yourself that space. And you may need to make the call again a few days later and you can ask for what you need and you may need to have a conversation or you may just get to enjoy a conversation and it could be a beautiful thing. And make sure you let them know you enjoyed it. Alright, my friend, who would’ve thought making a phone call could be so vulnerable. I’m obviously talking about it because this is something that’s been coming up with my clients and my clients are pretty badass, smart, intelligent people.

Koren (00:21:16) – And it’s really, really vulnerable. And sometimes it’s the relationships that matter the most. It’s not about the relationships for business or for work, but it’s those really vulnerable, precious relationships. So maybe it’s a good friend, maybe it’s your adult child, right? Maybe it’s a parent, maybe it’s a mentor of yours, right? Noticing where you are vulnerable and where you’re playing small versus showing up and asking for what you need or asking for what you want. Okay? Go and practice, make the phone calls, connect, be in relationship with others and most importantly, be in relationship with yourself. Treat yourself well. All right? Before I go, remember, I work with leaders, professionals, and entrepreneurs. And if you wanna work on being brave in your life, being clear, we do a lot of clear as kind work, unclear as unkind. It takes so much courage and you need to be able to be compassionate with yourself to have the courage to do this.

Koren (00:22:20) – Go to my website at howshereallydoesit.com and click on the “work with me” and “apply” and my team will go through the applications and reach out to you if we think we’re a good fit. And then we’ll be able to have a chat. All right my friend, I’m smiling big for you. Yes. Hey, if you enjoy listening to this podcast, you’ll love my weekly emails. I know you’re thinking Koren, really? Do I want another email in my overflowing inbox? Yes you do. Yippy, Skippy, you do. These are short, they’re sweet. On Fridays I send out the Friday podcast. It’s a great reminder that there’s a new show and it comes straight into your inbox of the latest episode. Awesome. You click on it, you go straight cuz we all need reminders. We have busy full lives. And then on Sundays I have my Sunday love column.

Koren (00:23:13) – And these are emails I write from the heart. They’re filled with love. We need more love. We all do, myself included, these are short emails where you get a quick take away so you can incorporate this into your life because people often wanna know what to do and how to do it, and maybe sometimes it’s a story that you get. Or there’s like one time I wrote about the 10 Ways to Practice Gratitude. And that became such a great tool when one of the readers was struggling in the middle of the night because it can be a scary place in our brains in the middle of the night. And she remembered the email that I sent about 10 Ways to Practice Gratitude. And she was able to practice gratitude and fall back asleep. And that was an awesome lesson for her to incorporate into her life. Go to the show notes and there’s a link in the show notes where you can sign up and get these emails in your box.

Music (00:24:12) – She’s dreaming, she’s drifting, captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else than she would rather be.