Coming to an end

Music (00:00:00) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.

Koren (00:00:19) – Hello and welcome. This is Koren Motekaitis. And you’re listening to How She Really Does It, the place where inspiration and possibility meet. Last month I talked about beginnings, and I celebrated the show’s 17 years and how it came to be and the lessons that I learned. And today, in November, I’m talking about things coming to an end. Beginnings and endings. They’re part of life. And often we look forward to things coming to an end or we’re afraid of things coming to an end. And I’m going to talk about this process of things ending because we all experience it, whether it’s a job coming to an end that maybe we want, the other side of it is it’s still there can be a lot of grief around it. I’ve worked with a lot of clients through going into retirement, whether it was early retirement, because that was something they desired, or ending a job or struggling with coming to an end at some point and moving on to the next chapter of their life.

Koren (00:01:35) – So I’ve done this a lot with people, and there’s the magical thinking of things coming to an end like, oh, this is going to be fantastic. And then there’s often a lot of emotions that come with it. So I wanted to talk about that with you all today. When things come to an end, it’s often bittersweet. There’s some beautiful things about it and there’s sadness and pain. Maybe gratitude for the experience. Excitement for the next thing. Think about if you’re a parent and I’m now an empty nester after a couple of years, but the ending of your child living in your home day to day, and that part coming to an end where they go off to college or university and they come back to visit. I was recently visiting a girlfriend and her daughter moved out, got a full time job. That was her baby. And she’s like, that was it. And I went, because right now my daughters are still in school and they still come home for the scheduled holidays. That window is closing in the next seven months to 18 months.

Koren (00:02:46) – It’s coming. And I didn’t realize that I remember taking, holding onto my breath, going, oh my gosh. And they say that as a parent who is an empty nester and has really enjoyed the relationships and what has followed from before when everybody was living home. Right. So coming to an end is bittersweet. There are beautiful things there can be and there can be really hard things. And often we think that it’s either one way or the other. But one of the things that I know for sure is our human capacity is about how do we hold competing feelings in a situation. So I’m going to share a story because this just happened recently, and it’s been going on for a couple of months now as I’ve made some decisions in addition to my private coaching, I do group coaching and have had one group, one particular group of clients, and I really consider working with the clients I work with an honor and a privilege. And I was able to work with many of them for about 3 to 5 years.

Koren (00:03:46) – Some of them were former clients that I’ve worked with even longer than that much, much longer. And I want to do a little side note because you might say, why are you working with people for that long? Shouldn’t they figure this out by then? Maybe doing another podcast on “stop judging and how long it takes,” but personal development takes time, right? Doing our internal work, creating changes in our professional lives and our personal lives. It takes time. We have magical thinking and cultural programming that if something is good, it will happen quickly. Or if you’re good enough. If I’m good enough, I’m, as a client, good enough, then I’ll get this quickly. Frankly, that’s all a bunch of bullshit. Change takes time. It may be easy to understand something, to integrate it and implement it and live it. It takes time because we have to unlearn our old ways of being and then learn new ways of being in our unconscious is always there, and we can revert back. And so then there can be shame and guilt and a whole bunch of other drama.

Koren (00:04:56) – So change takes time. And hence the group. We already worked together for a number of years. What reinforces the magical thinking is maybe you go to an event and there’s a bunch of love bombing, and there’s magical thinking and quick wins that are actually easy to get, and then you come home. And the problem is, how do you integrate that? You can be somebody else, you know, while you’re away. But when you come home, how do you integrate it, whether it’s with your teams at work, with your family, with your friend groups. So that’s why these groups have stuck together for so long, is is that we work really deeply on the integration to create real, lasting change, a real, lasting way of being versus giving them a bunch of knowledge in a weekend or six weeks and then having them go off and forgetting about it. So instead of the love bombing and magical thinking and quick wins that are easy to get, the duration of this group, where every year we would start to work together on a certain area.

Koren (00:05:57) – That duration allowed for the space for the bumps and the processes and the true change, the evolution to occur. And it’s vulnerable and it’s hard and it’s real and it’s transformational. And I know I used to always go to like conferences and be like, oh, this is great. And wanting to make changes. But what I found is, is that it’s like the swimming model, right? Kids are going to learn how to swim over time. One of the aspects that I tell parents all the time is that to be proficient, I don’t call it water safe, because I think that’s a big lie. But to be proficient in swimming, it takes about three summers of summer swim team. So that’s about 100 to 150 hours. So notice I layer multiple ways of context to evaluate it. Because if it’s three summers and they go to practice once a week, that could be six hours of practice. Maybe maybe three hours of it’s a 30 minute practice. That’s not enough time. So it’s not only the three summers, but it’s the 100, 150 hours to be proficient with the goal, to be able to swim 300 yards of freestyle with appropriate side breathing in under ten minutes.

Koren (00:07:11) – So there’s many layers of context, right. And the reason I came up with that is I started noticing people would, you know, they’d been doing some lessons or so and so forth, and they’re like, we’ve been doing this for two years. And really they were doing a once a week lesson for two years and probably having breaks with holidays. And it was a 30 minute lesson where there may be, you know, 10 or 15 minutes, assuming that was done. So not as much practice. So having that understanding of the length of time and the duration is really important and what’s being done. And in my groups of course there’s boundaries right. Each year they evaluate do they leave or do they continue for another year? I’m evaluating what do they need? Where is the growth? And so you may be asking like, why aren’t I’ve been asked that many, many times. It’s a great group. Oh my gosh, these people are amazing humans. Amazing humans. And why end? And I decided it was time to at least pause.

Koren (00:08:11) – And I liked the idea of pausing versus coming to an end, because it leaves an opening for something else. And maybe it’s they come into town and we have a cup of coffee, or maybe it’s they’re connecting with each other. But it was a pause. So that was a way to better the coming to an end. So that’s something to think about because I think we get pretty catastrophic when we think of endings versus this environment is coming to an end. What else out there could we do together? So why end? Because staying together would have been for the wrong reasons. It would have been the fear of the space, you know, what do we do? What? What do my members do? And that they’re rumbling with that of like, wow, what am I going to fill the space with? And we talked about that in about being really discerning about what they bring back into that space. Oftentimes we stay together because we’re afraid of the unknown. What will happen? So there’s a lot of fear wrapped up in why we stay instead of ending.

Koren (00:09:13) – It could have been a money grab for me if I stayed right doing a program for the sake of revenue. And that’s not how I operate, right? So that would have been the wrong reason. It would have been about moving them forward. Because when I really looked at it and evaluated, we had done our work and ending was as I thought about what support looked like for them and what are the things that they need in the areas to grow and flourish. It was more about having the space to go out there and do that in their lives. Opening up next chapters beyond our group. So really staying together would have been for the wrong reasons, because there would have been fear and shame would have been under the staying right. The scarcity, the fear. That’s never a good reason to do something and instead ending the group. It was compassionate. There were boundaries. There is empathy, the perspective. So those are the decisions on ending the group. And when you go through your own process, ask why are you staying? What would be the reasons? Is it because of fear or shame? And any time we’re making decisions out of that, note that we’re bringing that energy into that space and it could be toxic.

Koren (00:10:36) – Long term, if I had stayed for another year with the group for the wrong reasons, the group may not have been as beautiful and magical as it’s been, because we would have been in for the wrong reasons this time. So it’s bittersweet, right? There’s a sadness of not knowing and being able for me to walk alongside my clients in the next chapter of their lives. Oh, such as sadness. And once I’m connected with people, I’m really connected with them. So there’s that sadness. There’s a sadness for them. Right. They’ve created such deep relationships and trust and being able to have the space of vulnerability and compassion and being messy. I mean, we really live this work in this space. There’s grief of the loss of this connection, of the loss of the ease of knowing that, okay, it’s on the calendar. I show up, I do my work. There’s a grief of that, right? In recognizing that and feeling that. And now there’s a vulnerability because they each will need to go and create this experience on their own versus me creating a lot of it for them.

Koren (00:11:47) – Right. Bringing in the people, vetting the people, having the structure, you know, having the container. I give them a lot of freedom because I establish the containers and I build the containers of the safe space, the space that we’re working through. There’s also the wonder of the new space moving forward. And I have that like, ooh, what would that look like? And some of them are wondering that as well. There’s gratitude for the space moving forward and gratitude for the experience of the last several years. There’s confidence in knowing that we did great work together. And how I’ve evolved now is I have confidence in the synchronicity of life and the ability to remain connected or be able to be connected again. Now here’s the thing. Often when things come to an end, our brains go to. If not this, then something worse. But what if we decided, if not this, then something better. And open up your eyes to look for it. Open up your eyes to look for it.

Koren (00:13:08) – I know it’s vulnerable and it’s scary. And identify that and identify what you’re feeling and remind yourself that you’re looking for it and it’s okay. I’ve been a coach now for 30 years, for over 30 years coaching athletics. Coaching. Humans have always been coaching humans in athletics, you know. But as a life coach, leadership coach, you know, high performance coach. And I am deeply invested in the development of humans. That is my jam. That is what I love to do. And I remember when I was a young coach in coaching swimming, I would grow deeply attached to my athletes. I just love them. I love the connection. And it was that scarcity, that feeling of like, oh no, once they leave, I won’t get to coach them anymore. And who will come through the door? And I remember having that feeling that tremendous loss. And there was the loss of that relationship. And there was also fear and scarcity. Right. What if I didn’t get to be a part of this experience again? What if nothing or no one filled the space? Those are questions I asked.

Koren (00:14:12) – They’re not great questions. And the truth is, is that more people came through the doors, whether it was in the pools or with clients. And each human I’ve been able to work with over the decades has been an incredible journey. So what I know now is there’s a synchronicity of life. And I trust in this doesn’t mean that sometimes I have disbelief or I don’t have, you know, fear or shame that rises up because we all have those, right? There’s vulnerability in it. So I trust in the synchronicity. I remind myself of the synchronicity. I don’t have to hold on and be grasping. I can let go and we can return. Another example, as you’re thinking about this in your own life is with the AquaMonsters. This looks like several of my former swimmers from the 90s who I coach when they’re 8-12 years old. They’re now parents of the AquaMonster swimmers. And the kids that I coached when they were 8 to 12 was actually a different swim team, who now come over to the monsters to be a part of the organization.

Koren (00:15:20) – I didn’t know that would be a part of the journey. When I started out over 30 years ago as a young coach. And what an honor has been. Remember that idea? If not this, then something better. I remember when I left coaching those kids in 1997, and I was so sad for that coming to an end as I was moving on and graduating from grad school and getting a full time collegiate job. And I was so sad. So, so sad. There was such loss. And I didn’t know that the beauty, that of the relationships and being able to be a part of their kids lives, you know, some 25 years later, we just don’t know how things will unfold. In my coaching business, it has looked like clients ending, who at times returned back to coaching, who’ll be maybe joining my upcoming retreats. Or we will gather at dinner parties I’ll be hosting in 2024. Or you never know. I may be in part of their world and we’ll get together for a coffee or a meal.

Koren (00:16:26) – That’s the beauty of when things come to an end. It creates other openings. While the relationship in this coaching group in this form has come to a close. I know the connections, the learnings and evolutions are all there and we’ve all been imprinted by the journey together. As you go through an ending, my invitation for you is to know that it will be bittersweet. And the reason that this is important is oftentimes, as my clients are going through this, they are a little stunned by this feeling in these emotions. So knowing that there’s going to be emotions, there’s going to be happy emotions, sad emotions, the whole range, it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. And in these endings here are different examples. It can be the ending of your child living in your home, or it can be the ending of your adult child and being single and moving into marriage. And that changing the dynamics of your family. It can be ending of a job or a personal relationship. I’ve walked alongside many clients as they’ve gone through these endings at the time.

Koren (00:17:46) – It can be extremely vulnerable. And remember, vulnerability is uncertainty, emotional exposure and risk. And we start to ask ourselves questions like, will that void be filled? Will it be worse? And we ask often questions that are rooted in fear and shame. And instead I offer you to allow the space for multiple feelings. There can be sadness, grief. Of the loss. Grief of the ending. There can be joy of the freedom. Gratitude of being part of something so special as well as in the case of my group. They shared with me that they now have the understanding and insight of what a great group looks like, so they can look for something else moving forward. Or create their own. Now that they’ve experienced where they can be able to be authentic and vulnerable and develop connection. Oh, that just warms my heart when I know for sure is that it really does have the opportunity to have more good in your life. There are always constraints in context to deal with. For my group. They have the ability to connect on their own.

Koren (00:19:12) – And that brings with it the vulnerability of putting oneself out there. One of the clients of my group did speak up and said to another that she would be in the that part of my other clients, his world, and would love to grab coffee. And he leaned in and he would love it. And another member said, hey, I might be going to that part of the world too. I hope for them they remember to reach out to each other over the years, whether it’s in six months, a year, five years, I hope they remember to reach out. We have such longing for connection. I know that from the work that I do with my clients, who show with me what’s really going on inside of them. So not only for my clients, but it’s also for you. When you think of someone, send a text, a note. Pick up the phone, which these days is a brave thing to do. Make plans to connect even if things end in a certain format. There can be a reconnection in a different way.

Koren (00:20:22) – And you can take what you’ve learned and the insight you’ve gained into the next chapter of your life. If not this, then what if it’s possible for something better? Or at least as good as what this is. I’m smiling big for you. Hey, if you enjoy listening to this podcast, you’ll love my weekly emails. I know you’re thinking, Koren, really? Do I want another email in my overflowing inbox? Yes you do. Yippee skippy you do. These are short. They’re sweet. On Fridays, I send out the Friday podcast. It’s a great reminder that there’s a new show, and it comes straight into your inbox of the latest episode. Awesome. You click on it, you go straight. Because we all need reminders. We have busy, full lives. And then on Sundays I have my Sunday Love column and these are emails I write from the heart. They’re filled with love. We need more love. We all do, myself included. These are short emails where you get a quick takeaway so you can incorporate this into your life, because people often want to know what to do and how to do it.

Koren (00:21:38) – And maybe sometimes it’s a story that you get or there’s like one time I wrote about the ten ways to practice gratitude, and that became such a great tool when one of the readers was struggling and the middle of the night, because it can be a scary place in our brains in the middle of the night. And she remembered the email that I sent about ten ways to practice gratitude. And she was able to practice gratitude and fall back asleep. And that was an awesome lesson for her to incorporate into her life. Go to the show notes, and there’s a link in the show notes where you can sign up and get these emails in your box.

Music (00:22:14) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.