7 Lessons on the 17th Anniversary of How She Really Does It (Part 1)

Music (00:00:00) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.

Koren (00:00:19) – Hello and welcome. This is Koren Motekaitis. And you’re listening to How She Really Does It, the place where inspiration and possibility meet. As I work with my clients or even the AquaMonster parents, what’s typically underneath the conversation that we’re having, it’s the vulnerability of that particular arena that they may be sharing with me. It looks like on the surface, tears, anger, frustration. Deep down, it’s the shame, right? Which is the lack of confidence in their journey. Can they really have what they want? Can it be what they desire? And then especially when it’s the parenting. Can they have what they want when they don’t have control over these humans who have their hearts, and have the parents’ hearts, but their own brain? Right? And it’s so hard because when we start something, it’s so hard to understand and know where it’s going.

Koren (00:01:22) – And I often find that reflecting helps with understanding and finding key learnings and lessons. So as you struggle with your own vulnerability and vulnerability, the definition for Brené Brown is uncertainty, emotional exposure and risk. And so as you struggle with your own vulnerability of whatever arena you’re in, whether it’s building a business, leveling up in your career or the different stages of your family, I hope these seven lessons that I share with you today can be the windows of possibility to help you see what is possible for you, as well as the next step to take in the form of idea babies and insights. So today is 17 years, 17 years of How She Really Does It. Wow. Myself in 2006 would not think I can even see 2023. That was that. 2014 was a long way in 2006 and here I am in 2023. And while I’ve only recently learned how to really celebrate my birthday and that happened on my 50th birthday and I’m now 51 and that celebration of my birthday where I was able to take up space and then take up the year.

Koren (00:02:44) – Being able to do that for myself. I did learn a long time ago to start celebrating the show and I really did it to celebrate you all listening and being a part of this journey, whether it’s from the start, like Ally from Alabama or for those of you that are new and just joining us. And I think it was around 2013, the seventh year, because seven’s my favorite number. It’s a special number for me. And I think that might have been the first year that I started celebrating the show. So I want to acknowledge learning to celebrate the show and us being together. And the ripple effect of that was that I eventually learned to celebrate myself and my own milestones, one of those being my birthday. It took me a while. Remember, I can be a slow learner. So here’s the irony of all of this, is that as I was preparing for this show, the tools that I used to use to put the show together they like no longer exist. There was this app that I used that I no longer have access to because it hasn’t been kept up in the 17 years.

Koren (00:03:49) – So I couldn’t go back and review all the titles we have at some someplace else. But I decided it’s okay, Koren, we don’t have to do it perfectly. 2007, that sounds about right. That’s the irony of doing something for 17 years. Think about it. How much our technology has changed in maybe in your career and with your family and how it’s impacted you. So for those of you who are new here, I’m going to share the backstory of why and how the show started to be. For those of you who’ve been with me, the story of the show in the back story is going to be familiar, wrapped up with seven lessons and insights that I’ve learned reflecting back. Because here’s the thing: When I first started, none of this made sense. Doing the show did not make any sense. Now, when I look back, it makes sense, and I’ve said that over the years. So in the spring of 2006, I was in deep struggle. I had four kids. I had a blended family where I had teens, elementary school and preschool.

Koren (00:04:55) – And I’d been parenting at that point for a really long time since the 90s. So it wasn’t that it was a new thing. I had a demanding job right where I was at a college and I was the only coach who had three teams to oversee while my colleagues had one. Right. There was already an inequity in that and I’ve talked about that on the show. I also had a husband who also had a demanding job and who traveled quite a bit. I had a lot. And as I was even thinking about this further, you know, there was a time where I struggled. Like I remember after having babies, not understanding hormones and, you know, my own biochemistry, but having postpartum depression and really struggling as well as something that I’ve talked about having the golden handcuffs. Right. I had this job that I really didn’t want, but I thought I was supposed to do. So there are times that, you know, we often say like there’s a crying wife, mother or me, right? Crying, teen crying, elementary crime preschooler.

Koren (00:05:56) – There were a lot of emotions because the stress was really high. We were in this survival mode and I can look back at that go, wow. And because of a lot of the things that I should do versus really learning how to ask myself, what is it that I want to do? Because I didn’t believe I was allowed to do what I wanted to do. What I know now in 2023 is myself. In 2006, my 33 year old self was deeply overwhelmed. I was overworking, I was overwhelmed, and I was way too hard on myself. And back then, people would say to me all the time, you know, like mentors, friends, crying, you’re so hard on yourself. And when they would say this to me, I was often confused and picture deer in the headlights, right? What are you talking about? I didn’t have a clue because I would know my insides, the messiness. Right? And I just thought, no, they don’t really know. They see this outside, they don’t know the insides.

Koren (00:06:55) – I really need to be hard on myself because I need to buck up so that I can do better. If I was only more disciplined, if I could just work harder to get it together and get it more organized, then it would all be smooth sailing. Never thinking, Huh? We’ve got too much going on. Hence the name of the show, How She Really Does It. And here’s the other thing is I didn’t have much in terms of the support system because I deeply believed I should do it on my own, because I deeply believed that’s what successful people did. They did it on their own. Right? We talk about this. It’s part of the cultural programming. Self-made, self-made millionaire. Self-made entrepreneur. That self-made, actually a bunch of lies, because none of us do it by ourselves. Even top level athletes have coaches and huge support systems. Often it’s very invisible to those of us who are sitting in the stands, but there’s a huge support system. That’s the thing I really know now, in 2023, when I think back to my 33 year old self, I want to hug her.

Koren (00:07:59) – I want to hold her. And love her. And just give her love. She was working so hard and she would promise herself one day she could rest, except it was this hamster wheel that she was continuously on. And it was exhausting. No wonder the depression. No wonder at some point the anxiety. And if I could, I would sit down my 33 year old self probably by the water, because that’s what I now know is very calming for her so that she could have space. And breathe and let her know that this is all too much. And I would ask my 33 year old self. What she wants with the understanding that she wouldn’t even know how to answer that question. And that’s okay. And I would ask her. What support she has. And what she would dream of. And with the dreaming, I would know. That she didn’t allow herself to dream. And so that would be another question without an answer, and that would be okay. But I wasn’t able to do that for my 33 year old self.

Koren (00:09:20) – That’s what I would do now when I go back to my 33 year old self. But what she did in 2006 is she thought, I just need to learn more. I need to work harder. I need to do more, and then I’ll make it. It’ll be all so much better. And then I can be on easy street, right? That voice in her head. At some point said there must be a radio show that could help you with this, Koren. Now, to put it in context, right, because we are living in the world of 2023 and there’s content overwhelm, there’s all sorts of podcasts, there’s audiobooks, there’s so many different channels. Like, I don’t even know what’s on my television. There’s so much that we can watch on YouTube, right? There’s just so much content. But back in 2006, really, there was Oprah and Dr. Phil, right? Google had come out at some point in that period, maybe like 2003, 2004, I don’t quite remember.

Koren (00:10:21) – And we were no longer in the AOL dial up area. Remember that? Did you dial up to get on the Internet? So there wasn’t a whole lot of content accessible. So I was in search of a radio show because I figured if I could hear someone else talk about what those I thought they were secrets. What were the secrets, like, how did they do it all? Like, I just need to be able to figure out a better system so I could do it and do more and do better. Right then I would know the secret to the better life and I could work harder and eventually get there. As they share this with you, my brain’s like, yikes. But the thing is, I couldn’t find a radio show. And it was frustrating and I was like trying to figure this out. It could really help me. And I knew it could help a lot of my friends because we’re in this struggle together. So here’s one thing that I know now, but this is really key for you is that one of my now known strengths is when I’m not able to find something.

Koren (00:11:28) – I know it’s not a dead end, right? I just need to be open and I will find the possibilities. Hence the tagline of the show, The windows of possibility. So I’ll share the window of possibility with the show and or what I was looking for. I was trying to find a show to help me be a better parent, a better human, a better wife, a better, you know, career professional. Right. Better leader, all of that stuff. And I one day happened to be at kindergarten pickup. I don’t know how it was there because often at kindergarten pickup I’d be at work. But for some reason that day I was there and I was waiting outside the building and a friend of mine, Autumn, was there and I looked at her and I’m like, Oh, she may have an answer to my question and my quest because Autumn was the executive director for Davis Media. And I thought, Oh, maybe she can have a show or she can start a show. There can be a show at the station that could help me solve my problems.

Koren (00:12:30) – So I talked to her about it and she listened and she’s like, Karen, that’s a great idea. And she’s like, you know. Why don’t you pitch it to the station? And I looked at her, bewildered, almost like a deer in the headlights. Like, okay. Yeah. Does she not know who she is talking to? I’m a complete mess and I don’t know anything about radio, but I was like, Yeah, yeah, I’ll do that. Yeah, it’s kind of. That’s an example of approval whoring, right? It was like, let me just please her because I was vulnerable and I asked for what I needed, thought she could solve my problem, and then she put it back on me to go, hey, why don’t you create that? Because, you know, I had all this free time and space. That’s being sarcastic. I didn’t have any free time, nor did I have this space, nor did I believe I had the skills. So that was spring of kindergarten and then that September.

Koren (00:13:21) – And first grade happened. I had still a preschooler, a first grader and two kids in high school, and I ran into her at school one day and she saw me. And this is where the ignition happened for the show. I checked in with her and Autumn said, oh, you know, how’s your how’s your pitch going? And I’m like, oh, she remembered. Which was like a good and a bad thing, right? You don’t want her to forget. But then it’s like, oh, am I really going to do it? Or am I just gonna be like, yeah, yeah. And then she said, The greatest thing to say to me, to get me hooked and to finally make time is she said, oh, there’s someone else that’s interested in pitching the station for the idea that you have for the concept. You have deadlines, competition. Fear can be a great driving force to get something done. All of a sudden, the time I didn’t have, I made it.

Koren (00:14:16) – I made the time happen. I created the proposal. I had some support in helping me put it together and I submitted it and it was accepted. So in October of 2006, I was driving to the station and I’ll never forget this day. I was excited. I was vulnerable. I didn’t know what vulnerable was at the time. There was huge risk, right? I could feel all my feelings. And I had tears and I was a little confused. Why did I have tears? This is something I wanted. Why did I have tears? And I remember my heart and my soul saying. I was doing something for me. I was doing something for me. In. Think about this. I’d been a parent for a really long time. He had been adulting for a long time. Right. Been financially responsible, all of that stuff. Taking care of kids, raising kids, doing work, being responsible. And here I had created space to take care of me. And it didn’t make any sense.

Koren (00:15:24) – It wasn’t about career advancement. It wasn’t about money. It wasn’t at all practical. It was doing something that my heart was desiring. It also didn’t make sense because I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t have any training. This wasn’t a vision of mine when I went to college. Right. And it was the first time in a very, very long time that I was doing it for no other reason. Then it was me listening to me. And I had some support with my friend Autumn who said, why not you six months before, and then reminded me and gave me a bit of ignition. I had tears to the station and soon I would be in person for a 30 minute live radio show. So here’s the thing. We could end the story there. But let’s talk about the obstacles, right? One of the obstacles was that I already had a job. And as I said earlier, I had a job that was really, really quite full, right? I was a coach of three different teams, and I was a professor.

Koren (00:16:36) – I taught at the community college. Right. So I already had a really full career where most people would say, Why would you spread yourself thin and go outside and do something else? And it wasn’t that I was going to be fired because I was tenured, like I had this job for life that that need of certainty really was fulfilled with this job because I could look at the salary schedule. I could figure out the retirement. I knew, you know, how many years I needed to work when I could retire, all of that stuff. But here’s the thing. That wasn’t the dream. But everybody said, isn’t this the dream? Isn’t this what you’re supposed to do? Like, Koren this is really as good as it gets. The other was it wasn’t logical to do the show. Doing a radio show didn’t make any sense. I didn’t have any formal training. The irony in this is Jeff Shaw, who was at the station, who was, oh, my gosh, so supportive.

Koren (00:17:32) – Probably one of the not the first, but I mean, he was so compassionate. Like now I know that’s an ingredient I need when I go into a new arena who is on my team, who can be compassionate. He was so compassionate, supportive. He didn’t see how to make it perfect. Right. He was relaxed. He had great energy. He taught me and he trained me. And so the interesting thing is our cultural programming often is, oh, if we didn’t learn it at a university, it doesn’t count. And the irony is so much of what we learn at university doesn’t matter or has been long forgotten. So while I said I didn’t have training, and I believe that for a long time as putting this show together for you today, I realized like I did have training, I had training and support from Jeff. He was amazing. And he walked with me through that path. From 2006 to 2013. Once I finally stopped doing the live radio portion and switched it over to a podcast.

Koren (00:18:34) – It’s always very supportive, always very kind. So, yes, it wasn’t logical. And yes, I didn’t have formal training, but I did have training. They were skills that were learnable. The other thing was why it was illogical. I didn’t like talk radio while I did like audiobooks. Audio listening was not my strength. So another reason for me to discount my new venture was I didn’t like talk radio. Again. Insight in 2023 is Oprah Winfrey doesn’t watch television. She’s been very candid about that. She doesn’t watch television. And she was the queen of TV. So we sometimes have these rules that they’re not necessary. And then the other obstacle I had is I didn’t have space. Right. My life was already full, I had been filling it, filling it because I think I had this belief of if it’s full, then that means I’m worthy and it’s valuable instead of like I needed to have space, right? I had a blended family. I had four kids. I had three teams. I was teaching. I had a husband with his own career.

Koren (00:19:41) – Life was full and often life is full when you’re having those kind of ages and they’re doing their own activities, life is really full. So those are my obstacles. I already had a job for life. It was illogical and I didn’t have space. Now for the lessons. Often we are our own biggest barriers to what we want. I could have listened to all those obstacles. Do have a job. Karen, What are you doing? Like you already have a job. You should just work more. You get paid. This isn’t paying. You go do that. Right. But I didn’t. Thank goodness. I tried to for about six months. Right. It wasn’t logical. Like, I know I should do what’s logical, but logic put me in golden handcuffs, right in myself. Not allowing myself to have space, myself not questioning that. Right. So we are often our own biggest barriers. Right. Oftentimes I would be like, Well, what do I have to offer? I know how to teach people how to swim.

Koren (00:20:45) – What can I do on the air? I can’t teach people how to swim. I still use swimming metaphors all the time, whether it’s here or with my clients. It’s a framework for how do we develop, how do we achieve goals, how do we pursue? How do we create our desires? The no time thing. Well, I prove myself wrong because once I made that commitment to that time, it was Fridays at 10:00. That was my live radio show was 10 to 10:30 originally. And once I made that commitment, I was able to honor it. And soon by January it was or maybe December, I was up to an hour. And then a couple months later I did two one hour shows back to back for about 18 months. Can’t remember. Maybe that was in 2008. There’s 17 years. There’s some blurs there, you guys. And my other barrier was I already have a job that was the right thing to do versus allowing me to unpack this inner turmoil. I felt right. So often we are our own biggest barriers to what we want.

Koren (00:21:45) – Or maybe we don’t even know what it is that we want. I had no idea. I just knew that my inner turmoil was How can I really do this life? Because I feel like I’m failing all the time. And then that led me down to starting this show, which led me to learning, which then led me to building this business that I have now. Lesson number two. I had support. Back then in 2006, I didn’t know about vulnerability. Would never want to be vulnerable. Right? I was taught. Do not let people see you in discomfort. Do not show any losses. Do not show. What I now know is I was vulnerable going into the radio station and having a live radio show on the air for 30 minutes. Live radio live on the air for 30 minutes. I asked myself. What did I need? And I needed someone to go into that space with me who I knew could talk a lot that would also provide support. I wouldn’t be going in and alone.

Koren (00:22:46) – And that was my friend Lauren Wyman, who was the very first guest on my show. And I knew she could fill 30 minutes of live radio. But it wasn’t just, oh, she can fill live radio and talk for 30 minutes, right? It’s not just this binary thing. It was also she had a great story to share about her own journey from corporate America to becoming a mom-preneur and what that process was like. And one of the things that I knew back then is that’s the great struggle that we all face in how to raise our kids, do the work that fulfills us and fulfills our hearts and uses our brains, as well as being able to financially support our families or being able to financially co contribute to our families with our partners. So my first show I knew walking in it was really vulnerable, but I knew I was going to see her, she was going to be excited and nervous and we were going to go through and do this together. And that is an example of.

Koren (00:23:49) – Not going it alone, right? Knowing I didn’t have great self awareness like I do now. But I knew, like, enough of myself of. Okay, dead air. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Me forgetting what to say and it being dead air live. And I’ve done that before in a public speaking thing when I was in the university. The other thing that happened was even leading up to the show was I shared what I wanted to do with my friends, which is so unlike me in the past. I wouldn’t share. I’d wait until I’d gotten it because it’d be way too vulnerable, because what if I didn’t get it and I don’t want to lose face, right? So I shared and my friends became part of this dream that I had and they were cheering me on. And they also helped me. They helped me with the name of the show. Remember, we had this whole email like a group email thing, and I had put some lists of titles in my friends.

Koren (00:24:43) – Darren was like, I don’t know how that name sounds. Like I’m not going to go into what he said, but you know, there were some reiterations and stuff. And so back in 2006, this is how we named the show, how she really does it. I’ve said many times over the years I would have done it very differently because it’s way too wordy. But that’s the show’s name, and it worked for back then. My friends, you know, got on that bandwagon of like cheering me on, being really excited. The other thing that they did was they would help me find guests. They would share their contacts, their networks of people they thought that could be of value and that would also be of benefit to my listeners and to growing my audience. So they introduced me. I had a friend who would send me articles that would be with potential guests or stories during the early years. So I had my friends who were really there and it was really fantastic. I didn’t go it alone, which was actually so counter to how I had done so much. So I had support – support’s really important.

Koren (00:25:43) – What does that look like? The other thing, that lesson three was I started small. We often hear about like big, hairy, audacious goals or, you know, we’ve got to scale and what’s the big vision, right? And that can be really overwhelming. And I know with my clients sometimes they have this big vision here, but they don’t know what are the internals first steps to take, and then they can just quit and pivot because it becomes so frustrating or they don’t get some wins along the way. So instead of having this big, hairy, audacious goal, I had a small plan and it was still vulnerable. The plan that I had was the plan for six shows. Now, if I had known that I would produce over 900 shows, not only produce, produce and be in over 900 shows and be doing this 17 years later, I may have been too overwhelmed to ever get started and not move forward because it’d be like, How can I possibly do that? What am I going to talk about? Nobody wants to hear my voice.

Koren (00:26:48) – Like there’d be just all those voices that are in our heads all the time. Fortunately, going back to support the proposal that I had to pitch had one of the frameworks that it had there that was the guardrails for me was who would be my first six guests? And it wasn’t like an absolute. And actually, if I go back, there were some people that were on that list that never, ever became guests on my show. But it was kind of like, who did I know and who could I bring them here for when we talk about. But I’m so grateful for that, that framework and that question. I didn’t, I’m sure I didn’t like it right, because then it made me accountable to myself. But who are my first six guests? And it forced me to plan and think about who could fill up 30 minutes of live air with also something valuable to say, just like my friend Lauren Wyman. And that is how my show started, right? So I started small instead of having this.

Koren (00:27:49) – Not that I didn’t have like grand dreams and visions, but they were so out there and I didn’t really, I couldn’t see the whole staircase, right? So I saw that I’m like, Oh, that’d be kind of cool, right? But I started small. What were the things that I could do today in six shows? I mean, it’s every Friday, so that’s a month and a half. And I started in October and I knew I’d have the holidays and I knew I had this internal knowing, though I didn’t verbalize it, probably not until now. It’s I knew I was starting six shows and they were small enough steps and I had this internal knowing that it would be doing it next year, but it wasn’t any promised commitment. It was six shows and then we would see how it would go. And did I enjoy it? Did the station want me to keep coming back? But I had this internal knowing I would keep going. I didn’t know what it looked like. And as I got more comfortable with the 30 minutes, that’s when I was like, wait, we need more time.

Koren (00:28:47) – Let’s expand to an hour. And then at some point it was probably 2008 that I did 2 or 2 that I think is maybe 2009 that I did two live shows. I did about probably 18 months or two years, two live shows, and people would look at me and be like, Koren, that’s a lot. And I was like, I remember Autumn saying that to me and I’m like, what do you mean? You know, it’s not a problem because I do have an intensity of capacity now. I look back, I’m like, wow, that was a lot. So I’m going to end here and we’re going to come back next week for the other four lessons that I’ve learned from starting the show 17 years ago. Stay tuned. Hey, if you enjoy listening to this podcast, you’ll love my weekly emails. I know you’re thinking Koren, really? Do I want another email in my overflowing inbox? Yes, you do. Yippee, Skippy, you do. These are short. They’re sweet.

Koren (00:29:51) – On Fridays, I send out the Friday podcast. It’s a great reminder that there’s a new show and it comes straight into your inbox of the latest episode. Awesome. You click on it, you go straight because we all need reminders. We have busy, full lives. And then on Sundays I have my Sunday Love column and these are emails I write from the heart. They’re filled with love. We need more love. We all do, myself included. These are short emails where you get a quick takeaway so you can incorporate this into your life because people often want to know what to do and how to do it. And maybe sometimes it’s a story that you get. Or there’s like one time I wrote about the Ten Ways to Practice Gratitude, and that became such a great tool when one of the readers was struggling and the middle of the night, because it can be a scary place in our brains in the middle of the night. And she remembered the email that I sent about ten ways to practice gratitude, and she was able to practice gratitude and fall back asleep.

Koren (00:30:56) – And that was an awesome lesson for her to incorporate into her life. Go to the show notes and there’s a link in the show notes where you can sign up and get these emails in your inbox.

Music (00:31:08) – She is dreaming, she is drifting. Never been so wide awake. Captured in the moment by the beauty all around her. There’s nowhere else that she would rather be.