You make a phone call.
The other person answers (your friend, sister, mother, brother …).
And … you dive right into all your problems and frustrations.
You start verbally vomiting.
It follows when they say “hello.”
You start talking right away.
Without cultivating a connection with “how are you? I’m going through a hard time … do you have time to talk?” Or “I’d love some support, is right now a good time?”
You don’t give the person you called space to speak.
Your own words are coming out so fast.
That is verbal vomit.
The thing is … they have yet to agree to receive your verbal vomit.
Answering the phone does not mean they have agreed to be the recipient of your verbal vomit.
I’m not saying don’t reach out.
I’m not saying don’t verbal vomit.
I’m saying you need their permission to vomit.
While this person may have earned the right to hear your story.
Do they have the capacity in that moment?
Or maybe they are on their way out and while they do want to support you, right now they can’t.
Do you carry on and impose yourself because you’re not sure if there will be another time so you grasp what you can get?
Or do you ask them when would be a better time to circle back?
Set up some verbal vomit boundaries.
The next time you have the urge to verbally vomit … before you start here are a few boundaries that will support you and the person you are reaching out to.
- Have they earned the right to hear your story?
- Are they are a trusted confidant?
- Do they have the capacity?
- Is now a good time or is there a better time for them?
If they don’t have the capacity…do not take it personally.
What you are going through may be too close to their own personal situation + it may be a trigger for them.
If they don’t have the time…don’t take it personally.
The next time you have the urge to verbally vomit … follow the boundaries to build a container to support you and the person you’re reaching out to.
This container is essential for effective communication and cultivating a strong relationship with someone you care about.
The container creates a safe place for you to process your verbal vomit.
P.S. You love the idea of setting boundaries…but you suck at it and need help. Apply for private coaching here.