Food. It’s all I thought about. My next meal. Where? When? How?
It was seductive.
I wanted to eat what I wanted.
I didn’t want to follow anyone else’s rules.
I tuned out so much in my life, just to think about my next meal.
My favorite meal was the “forbidden meal.”
It could be french fries. Not ONE, but TWO SUPERSIZE FRIES from McDonalds.
It was the large version of ONION RINGS.
It was the BAG of salt and vinegar chips.
It was the BAG of hershey kisses.
Let’s get real, none of these were meals. They were binges.
When I thought of favorite meals back then, it was always about “what I couldn’t have, but so desperately wanted.”
Besides, it didn’t really matter that I was over-consuming, I deserved to eat these foods.
I had trained hard.
I wasn’t able to lose the weight I’d so desperately wanted to, so why the hell not.
If I couldn’t have what I wanted with my body, I could at least fill my body with food that my mind wanted.
The rush and adrenaline I would feel as I would go into eating one of my “favorite meals” was an incredible high.
The anticipation and justification prior to eating created a busy mind that was so distracted from my present moment.
Afterwards came a mile of pain. Extreme physical discomfort. Bloating, brain fog and exhaustion. Emotionally, I was in so much shame, I was losing my ability to believe in and trust myself. My relationship with self was slowly dissolving. I was letting myself down.
“My favorite meal” was creating a relationship of self-hatred and resentment towards myself.
The intention of the meal was to give myself:
- something I was “deserving of”
- reward myself
- make me happy with the party in my mouth.
Instead the result was a self-destructive relationship with myself that created distrust with the most important person in my life …
What experiences have you had in your life where the intention of what you’re doing is not in alignment with the results you’re getting?
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