I am a runner.
Not the kind that puts on running shoes and goes outside for a run.
I am a runner in life.
My go to when I am in pain is to run.
Run and hide.
Run … run … run.
This was my solution to any problem.
In my younger years when I did something hurtful in a friendship, I ran away and never came back to the friendship.
When I had problems at work, my solution was to run away. Move on to new colleagues, and even a new job.
When I fell in love with the man who would become my husband … well I figured we would not have any problems.
But of course the problems showed up.
I wanted to run.
Of course that was my go-to solution for everything … run … run … continue running.
Thank goodness my husband was only a runner for fitness and not from our marriage.
I often tell people, the reason we are still together today is only one of us wanted a divorce.
That of course would be me, the runner.
I would day dream about divorce to run away from the problems instead of working on the marriage and overcoming the obstacles.
These days I know my instinct is to run. Flee from whatever painful situation.
I remind myself:
- My internal hardwiring is to run.
- That obstacles are part of all situations.
- That I am actually better at overcoming than I am at running.
I remind myself that I can figure things out.
With running, the pain stays and grows into shame.
With overcoming, the pain withers and is instead replaced with connection to oneself and to others.
In my marriage, thank goodness only one of us was a runner and I learned to stop running.
While instinctively I may want to run, now I face forward into my marriage.
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