Have you noticed the voices in your heads often ask you crappy questions like:
What’s wrong with me?
Why is this happening to me?
Why is my life so hard?
When you ask those questions it does not take you out of shame but helps you further dive into this feeling you want nothing to do with. Shame is that feeling that means I am bad.
Those questions lead you to these answers of more shameful thoughts
Of course, I am so F$#@*CKED UP! Let me list the things wrong with me.
Of course, this is happening to me, I am bad.
Of course, my life is hard, I am bad.
You innocently ask yourself questions (crappy ones I might add) that do not lead you out of shame but head first into a big tornado of a shame storm.
You are in the eye of the storm and it is hard to get out.
Instead of fueling your shame storm remind yourself you are not bad. We all make mistakes. Bad things happen to good people. And life is hard for all of us. It’s actually part of our journey and you can do hard things.
Before you can cultivate confidence you must stop the shame storm. You must stop listening to the painful stories you beat yourself up with. Those stories only lead to more shame and further away from confidence.
Compassion is one of the antidotes to shame. Be kind to yourself. That does not mean rationalize. Be honest about your weaknesses as well as your strengths. Realize you are not the only one struggling with this. Really you are not alone.
From this place of compassion, I invite you to cultivate confidence in yourself.
Be confident in yourself.
Be confident in your circumstances that it will get better.
Be confident that you can figure it out.
Be confident that you will learn and grow from this challenging time.
Be confident in your ability to do hard things.
When you are confident it does not mean you have it all figured out. It means you are willing to figure things out.
You are willing to trust without knowing the outcome.
Yes, this will feel very vulnerable (uncertainty, emotional exposure, and risk).
Vulnerability is the pathway to confidence. It’s your ability to show up, commit, fall down and get back up without making it mean that you are bad. You just fell down. We all do.
Cultivate confidence by telling yourself:
I can figure this out.
I am learning and growing from this challenging time.
I don’t like this situation, but it will get better.
I am strong and capable. Yes, I am.
TEST IT OUT FOR YOURSELF: Write those thoughts out every day and really feel them, attach to them.
After a week of this practice, what do you notice when you focus on these new thoughts instead of your old painful self-beating thoughts?