How She Really Does It with Koren Motekaitis

All or Nothing

Koren — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 22:45:54 +0000

Many of my clients are overachievers who have an “all or nothing” mindset.

They want to do things perfectly.

And if they can not do it pefectly they decide not to do it at all.

Doing it all is NOT sustainable.

You will NOT be able to do it ALL, all of the time.

If you choose nothing, it’s like the photo you get NOTHING!

Instead of ALL or NOTHING do ONE thing.

Practice that ONE thing. Remind yourself of the ONE thing you are doing.

Now you have evidence that you DO something.

What’s the ONE thing you did today?

Happy

Koren — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 03:42:34 +0000

Happy was the destination of my life.

If I do this, I will be happy.

Once I achieve that, I will be happy.

Once I arrived at Happy, it felt great for a moment.

Then I worried.

Can I stay happy?

How long until Happy goes away?

Will I lose Happy to someone else, someone better than me?

Today Happy is no longer a destination.

Today Happy does not have a limited supply.

Today Happy is something I feel when I choose to see my life NOW.

Today I practice being friends with Happy.

Today I am worthy of Happy.

Sometimes I choose to go elsewhere… then I notice that Happy feels better.

Today I choose to feel Happy, without need of achievement.

Today I choose to feel Happy, without need of approval.

Today I choose to feel Happy because it feels so damn good!

“Bad Foods”

Koren — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 00:56:42 +0000

In our society we are taught that some foods are “bad foods.” Foods without nutritional content that hurt our bodies, etc. We are told:

If we want to lose weight we must not eat these foods.
If we want to be healthy we can not eat them.
That if we are disciplined enough we will not eat them.
Then that leads to if we are worthy enough we will not eat them.

What happens with judgements

Lots of judgements here. Wow! Well that way of thinking was just a trigger for me to want to over consume “bad foods.” I wanted to rebel against that type of thinking by saying to myself: “let me show you.” Who was I kidding? I was only hurting myself.

No more french fries???

But I have changed that behavior and so have my weight loss clients. I now find it incredible that I don’t want to eat Oreos or even McDonald’s french fries (used to be my FAVORITE). This does not mean that I will never eat them again. Because if I declared that, my old friend the Wild Child would have a field day and I would be hiding out in McDonald’s eating my double serving of super sized french fries. Yes I used to do that. Last time I ate the McDonald’s french fries was at a talk I gave back in November. I did not even finish them and threw them out. First time I ever threw away french fries, especially the ones from the Golden Arches. I continue to practice and evolve and will until the day I die.

How was I able to stop eating so much “bad foods?” I call those foods “Joy Foods.” Foods that we eat because they taste good and bring pure joy into our day. Foods that just tastes yummy but do not have any nutritional value to us. My clients and I were able to stop the binging on those JOY foods, by allowing ourselves to eat those JOY foods everyday. We eat small amounts of joy each day (10% of total food intake). We stop eating when the JOY food no longer tastes good. And trust me it’s not a whole box of Girl Scout cookies, or an entire half gallon of ice cream when we stop. We practice this skill. We practice letting go of what we tell ourselves that is not true. Our old conditioning triggers us to eat more and more of these foods when our bodies really don’t want anymore. Instead, we tune into our bodies and tune out what society tells us to do.

Years ago, I remember reading about Jackie O. She would have lunch at a fabulous restaurant in Manhattan, and order desert and only take one bite. Whether she was white knuckling it or just listening to her body, I will never know. One thing I did know back then was I thought she was crazy. How could you only have one bite of an amazing desert? Well that was my old voice of, “can’t waste food” and “I will never have this again, so I must over indulge.” ”This is a one-time treat and tomorrow I will not do this anymore.” LIE, because I would overindulge another time, saying that of course “I would never be able to have that again.”

Now I totally understand eating only one bite of a JOY food. Why eat after it no longer tastes good? These days, I have eaten desert and forgotten to finish it. And some days, I don’t even want a joy eat. Really. And I continue to work on disbelieving the lies I tell myself. It is truly amazing and empowering. My clients email me in surprise that they only ate 2 girl scout cookies or threw out their french fries. Really could it be possible for these people who thought food controlled them? Yes and it is possible for you also.

Enjoy It

The secret to joy eating is you must enjoy it. Don’t just eat your 10 percent without guilt or eat more than 10 % because you have labeled it a joy eat. Sit down with it and savor it.

A joy eat is something you eat because you enjoy it. It tastes really yummy and delicious. Yet, there’s not any nutritional value to it. Be mindful when you are eating it. It is something to taste and enjoy. What I have noticed is that when I eat a JOY food based on volume I am no longer present and afterwards I really don’t feel well. When I eat a JOY food while I am mindful I taste it, it is satisfying and I am done. No longer looking for the next thing.

I used to eat a cookie or french fry and worry about what I would eat next or how many were left while the food was in my mouth. I was worried about them being gone but was not even present with what I currently was eating. No wonder I was not satisfied.

Now I practice being mindful, really listen to my body and pay attention to how it tastes.

The next time you want a JOY eat. Sit down and savor it. Be present with it. Taste it. Once it stops tasting good Stop Eating.

I am a Tiger Daughter….

Koren — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 05:36:27 +0000

I am a Tiger Daughter. I was raised by a Tiger Mom. What did that mean for me? It meant that perfection was ABSOLUTE, mistakes were not tolerated. Emotions and happiness could wait. Success was dependent on achievement. Mistakes would be a permanent scar that would always follow me. Welcome to my childhood.

Yes my childhood was that harsh and in your face. Do I blame my mother now? Nope. Did I wish for a different life? I used to. I thought it was the WRONG way to raise children. And of course the right way was the opposite of how my Tiger Mom raised me. What I did not realize was that I was doing exactly what I had been taught – Right Way – Wrong Way | Good – Bad | Smart - Dumb | Successful – Failure. Now I realize it’s not about the extremes it’s about the continuum in between the extremes.

Struggle

My childhood was what it was. I can not go back and change it. I can spend time wishing for it to be different than it was. But how does that serve me today? Victor Frankel, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, states that the objective of the human race is to find meaning. The three three ways to find meaning according to Frankel are:

through a loving relationship
being of service
going through struggle

My childhood taught me some extreme conditioning. During my adulthood, I really wrestled with the rules of life I was taught versus what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. It has been my struggle as an adult that has helped me learn who I am TODAY and to create the vision for the life I want.

Thank you my Tiger Mother

In the past I may have blamed my mother or wished her to be different. Today I am truly grateful for my Tiger Mom. Just a few weeks ago I realized that who I am is because of my Tiger Mother. My life’s work has been about helping people realize that it’s okay to make mistakes or not be perfect and still obtain success or achieve their goals. I have spent the past 18 years teaching and coaching kids and adults that they are not defined by a moment, and that life is a journey.

As a parent, I have learned from my mother and modified my own parenting. I have reflected, questioned and thought about what worked for me and what did not. My mother parented me her way because that was the system she understood in her country. When I understand her intentions – to give me the best opportunities to have a great life, I can let go of my past instead of being victimized by it. Now that I know better, it is my responsibility to do better. During this incredible journey of parenthood I am constantly observing, learning and tweaking.

Eastern vs Western

The firestorm of Amy Chua’s book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, touched the nerves of so many parents because we are worried that we may not be raising our children the correct way for them to thrive. Her book ignited our fears. But let’s not start judging and comparing who is right and wrong, let’s go inside and see what works for ourselves and our families. We then come from our best selves or as I like to say my full Koren shows up and then I can really use all my skills to help me make decisions and build the relationships I would like to have with my children.

Amy Chua’s book has allowed for an opportunity for us to have a discussion. It’s not about which parenting style is better Western vs. Eastern. It’s about who do we want to be as parents and what is the vision we have for our children, ourselves and our relationships with each other. Besides isn’t the “Western vs. Eastern” another form of “Success vs Failure?” Isn’t it the extremes – where one is good and the other is bad?

I want my children to Thrive. What that means to you may be different to what I make it mean. That’s the great thing about parenting. There are no right or wrong ways, there are many possibilities.

Here’s my interview on KOVR Channel 13 news.

I hate New Year’s Resolutions!

Koren — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 19:10:37 +0000

How’s your new year going so far? So often at the beginning of the year many of us make “New Year’s Resolutions.” Well I really don’t like Resolutions. In fact I would say I HATE them. But then someone (probably my husband/kids) would say “you can’t hate something that can’t hate you back.” Enough digressing.

The reason I don’t like New Year’s Resolutions is that most of the time they are not kept, and then people feel like failures. The only failure is the New Year’s Resolution system that was set up by someone. You are not a failure.

We start out each year with great intentions:

This year I will get rid of the clutter in my house.
This year I will find my passion.
This year I will pay off my debt.
This year I will find my soul mate.
This year I will put myself first.
This year I will stop wasting time on social media or tv.
This year I will exercise.
This year I will lose weight.
This year I will stick on that damn diet.

Have you heard of these before? How did it work for you?

In all of my radio interviews with extremely successful guests, not one of them have said their success is because of a New Year’s Resolution they made back in….

However, when my clients first come to me, they believe they have failed or were not disciplined enough to keep their commitments. And that is why they did not succeed in losing weight or obtaining their goals.

Well if you listened to my interview with nutritionist Elyse Resch, you may recall that diets or meal plans don’t work 95% of the time. So if you are one that believes success is only attainable for the 5% then you can go ahead and choose to believe that for yourself. For those of you who are willing to learn a really attainable way continue reading.

The Process

To all parents – do you have your kids set up a New Year’s Resolution that they must commit to without any additional support? Or do you give your child a book and say learn and implement this otherwise you are a failure?

Our children have a team full of people to help them each day. They have parents, teachers, coaches, family members, family friends, friends, teammates and organizations. Just as Hillary Clinton said so long ago, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Where is your village?

Just as your child has teachers and coaches trying to help guide, teach, and push them forward wouldn’t it be great to have your own coach to be your partner in this process? As a coach I help athletes and clients move forward.

That’s what I am here for:

to help you stay on your path
to show up
to push/prod you
to provide a safe place for you to fall apart and grow
to give you honest feedback
to help you push past your fears
to give you the space to fall down get back up and then move forward

That’s what coaches do.

Do you remember the coach/teacher in your life who helped you get through things you may have thought impossible for you to achieve you? This is how the Weight Loss Coaching Circle can help you.

Have you read a book or started a self-guided program and then gave up because you were stuck? Or when things got busy and you it aside and made another commitment to yourself that you would get back to it when you had time. But somehow that time never came.

Try Something New

This year try something new. Instead of making a New Year’s Resolution, join the Weight Loss Coaching Circle where you can make actual forward progress with the other incredible participants who have already signed up.

Weight Loss Coaching Circle begins Wednesday, January 5th

The Weight Loss Coaching Circle is here to support you, provide a safe place for you to ask questions, fall apart, learn and grow. By having 2 calls a month spread over 6 months, this gives you the time in your life to learn to tune into your body and practice the awareness that comes from being in the Weight Loss Coaching Circle while also juggling the rest of your life. (Notice I didn’t say balance, I also don’t believe in that).

We will meet twice a month on the phone for 75 minutes and work towards taking the steps to stop thinking about food all day long and those awful thoughts of “what should I eat & how much,” or “now how much weight will I gain?” I will teach you tools from Brooke Castillo’s If I am So Smart, Why Can’t I Lose Weight and Martha Beck’s The Four-Day Win: End Your Diet War and Achieve Thinner Peace and a few other resources to help you reach your weight loss goals. We will practice, practice and practice them and let go of diet mentality. This is the process I used on myself to lose over 20 pounds and that I use with my one-on-one clients.

Begins: Wed, Jan 5th noon – 1:15pm PT (calls recorded in case you miss it)

Includes: 2 (75 min) group phone calls + group emails + assignments + support

Does not include: a diet or meal plan or a dictatorship

How long: 6 months to learn how to UN Diet and create a new relationship with food.

Cost: $100/month or $550 for 6 months

JOIN US

Email me now to get started. I will send you the payment info. Once I receive payment I will send your first assignment. It’s time to live your life and stop waiting for an invitation for it to begin.

Click here for more info

The Power of a Group

Koren — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 16:54:11 +0000

This fall I had the honor to work with a group of women. They came to learn and improve themselves. They also had different fears or concerns that made them apprehensive about this commitment they were making.

What happened at the end of our time together? They were shocked by how far they had come. They surpassed what they had initially thought was possible for themselves. They remembered where they had started. They were proud of what they had achieved. Their confidence grew and they had fun!

Why work in a group versus one-on-one? Both are effective. Sometimes it’s nice to work only on your stuff and not have to share time with others. And other times working in a group can have additional benefits:

we realize we are not the only ones with these fears
we have the support of the group
we see someone else in the group go past their fears and then we see what is possible
we get inspired
we learn together
we learn from each other
we lean on each other when it becomes difficult
we create relationships and bonding with others
we show up
we practice
we become inspired by others
we inspire others
we grow and learn

That is how we improve: by getting past our fears, being inspired to make a change, seeing what is possible for ourselves and then putting it into action for ourselves by showing up and practicing.

I love for you to share your group work experiences work below. For more Group Coaching opportunities click below for details and send me an email to get started.

Next Group Coaching – Weight Loss Coaching Circle begins January 5th, 2010

Upcoming Group Coaching – What’s Next? For those interested in the next journey in their life. This will begin in February, 2011. For more information please email me.

Goals – what happens when you reach them

Koren — Sun, 21 Nov 2010 15:25:46 +0000

A week ago I achieved one of my major (personal) life goals. I had set this goal about 17 years ago. At the time it was a dream. I had not even started on the first part of my journey. I only had an idea or vision of what I wanted for myself. I did not have the skills or resources to obtain that dream. And I did not have the blueprint or the “how to.” I just decided that this goal was important to me.

Today I am going to talk about what happened when I achieved a big life goal.

What is the picture you have for when your reach your goal? What do you envision will happen? What do you make achieving this goal mean?

The Finish Line

On Friday, November 12, 2010 I achieved my (personal) life goal. There weren’t any balloons. There was not a party. In fact I was nervous and shaking. It felt good though. It was quiet and when I finished the process I was astounded at how peaceful it was and humbling. I had achieved something I had a vision for 17 years ago. I had not known how to go about achieving this goal, let alone starting it. But I did it.

I also realized that outside of my husband and children I did not need to tell anyone else about my accomplishment (though here I am telling you about my process). I did not need to prove to anyone else anything and this time realized that it did not make me any different or better.

9 days later

I still go wow. I achieved my goal. I did this. As scared as I was to cross the finish line on the day. I did it. I am proud of myself and humble on my personal acommplishment.

Why can’t I lose weight?

Koren — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 21:23:08 +0000

Do you ask yourself this question? Do you exercise and feel that you are careful with what you eat? So then why aren’t you losing weight? Or maybe you made a commitment to yourself this summer that this would be the time that you would put yourself first and finally lose those extra pounds. But here you are in July and the scale has not moved (or at least in the direction you wanted it go).

When my clients first come to me, they are not struggling with their weight because they don’t know what to do – eat less, move more. No they struggle with implementing the concepts and being truly honest with themselves.

So if you know intellectually what to do but are still struggling with your weight, come join us this Tuesday, July 6th for my Kick Start to Summer Weight Loss telecourse. I will teach you the tools and help you apply your knowledge to begin losing weight and actually enjoy your summer!

My next post will be on Eating Behind Your Back. Stay tuned….

Eating for comfort

Koren — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 16:44:30 +0000

Do you eat something because you are seeking comfort? Often my clients will tell me they ate something to feel better. It is usually some sort of food that most dieters would consider “forbidden food.” When I ask my clients how they felt afterwards, they said they felt uncomfortable, hazy, heavy, tired, or drugged out. Does that sound like comfort to you?

Our minds are amazing. We know what to eat, or better yet what not to eat, to lose weight. Most of us intellectually understand what we need to do to be healthy and fit, however we sabotage ourselves with our mind’s rationalizations. Next time, when you seek comfort from food, is your body really getting comfort or is it your mind?

Learn more about my upcoming Kick OFF to Summer Weight Loss course – begins June 16th

What are you really hungry for – food or something else?

Koren — Thu, 27 May 2010 18:22:08 +0000

Summer is coming, what are your plans for the summer? Are you dreading what you will wear, if you will go to pool parties? Is that how you want to live? I have lost 23 pounds and not by going on a DIET or by strict workouts. Instead I have tuned into my body to determine what I was hungry for – food or something else. And I have found exercise that I enjoy and am inspired to do.

When I work with my weight loss clients they usually want me to give them the formula of what to eat and when to eat. What they learn is that their bodies truly know and it is time to pay attention.

So I ask you the next time you want to eat, ask yourself “What am I really hungry for?” Until you know whether you feel physical hunger or emotional hunger don’t eat. Trust me the answer will come.

Learn more about my upcoming Kick OFF to Summer Weight Loss course