• Why can’t I seem to lose weight?
• Why aren’t I getting the relationship I want?
• How can I bring more money into my life?
• Why isn’t my business is improving?

First off, positive thinking does not work without actually believing the thought is possible. I have tested this many times as an athlete.  For example, when I had positive thoughts about making junior nationals as a young athlete it was more of a hope than a belief.  The hope triggered my struggle.  I began to have mental mind clutter such as:  ”I am not the chosen one; I am not good enough yet; or I don’t have the talent.”

As you can see, the the thought “I can make junior nationals” was a trigger to so many of my other limiting beliefs.

• I am not good enough
• The time is not right for me now
• I need to work harder
• I don’t have the talent

So the positive thought (”I can make junior nationals”) triggered my limiting beliefs I had about myself.  When I was finally able to make junior nationals (and I do mean finally, I was in my own way for a long time) I dropped the belief or the hope of making the time standard.  I did this by stopping the focus on the end result of my belief - making junior nationals.  I did not quit, or stop swimming.  Instead I focused on why I swam and competed - FUN!  By letting go of the thought “I can make junior nationals” the trigger to my other thoughts dissipated and I did not get attached to my more internal beliefs.

Surrender - dropping the belief

This is the letting go or surrendering part.  I did not give up or quit swimming, I began swimming again for the pure joy.  I was no longer swimming to prove my belief could really be true and therefore determine who I was or could become now that I had reached my goal.  And then by dropping the positive thought “I can make junior nationals” I swam for joy and what do you know, not only qualified for junior nationals but improved my time by 2 seconds (a lot in the swimming world).

I have taken that lesson I learned as a teenager and applied over and over again in my life’s journey.  Sure sometimes, positive thinking with my beliefs intact create the possiblities in my life.  However if I find those positive thoughts to be triggering something deep inside or I make it mean something that I so want or feel I need so badly it is time for me to stop.  I let go of the of the thoughts, remember the reason I am doing what I am doing and continue on.  And what do you know I begin to create the life I want, do the Bikram yoga pose that I so struggled with before, change my childhood money story and so many other things.

The Takeaway

When working with my clients and they ask me those questions, sometimes I suggest letting go of the positive thinking and understand why they want what they want.  And what do they make what they want mean?  By exploring those two things it can help take away the triggers and the barriers to getting the results that they truly want in their life.

Back story

Five years ago, I felt hopeless.  I had the belief that my life was as good as it gets for me.  I had this “great” job, my family was healthy and I was able to “balance” (ugh-I don’t like that word) it all and do pretty well.  At the time I wished for more happiness, joy, fulfillment in my life.  But I was exhausted and thought I wanted too much out of life.  Can you relate?

Three and a half years ago, I went on sabbatical.  Sure I had research to do and was still teaching a few classes.  But wow the world opened up to my mind.  That is when I started my radio show.  I started seeing life in a different way…. I started seeing the possibilities.  First it started out that I could see them for other people.   Well in truth I was always able to see them for other people, hence my teaching/coaching years.  But I was able to see people build businesses that they enjoyed and create a life they wanted instead of being bound to convention.

That lead to my ability to see the possibilities in my own life and what I could do.  I became trained as a life coach.  I started coaching clients in December of 2008, all the while doing my full-time tenured golden handcuffs job.  As momentum picked up and I worked with more clients, I was having a blast and my clients were being served.  My life was also changing.  I did not see handcuffs in my life, I saw more possibilities each day for MYSELF!

Then began the mental drama.  Do I really want to leave “lifetime job security” for being fully self-employed?  Am I making a mistake?  My thoughts got so bad that even a few times I thought my family would become homeless.  Let’s face it that thought is a limiting belief that keeps us staying put in our stuckness.

Okay so is it true that my family will be homeless?  No.  How do I know this?  Well first off I have financially prepared for this departure for some time.  And during my adult life I have been great with money and providing for my family.  Besides I have been building my coaching practice, along with other businesses I run.  All the while I was employed at my golden handcuffs job.  I had multiple streams of income.  Next what if this life coaching gig does not work out? There are only 30 of my  type of college positions in the entire state.  And I would be leaving one of those limited positions behind.  Hello, I don’t want to be there in the first place so why would I want to go back.  Besides I have built other successful businesses why not this one?

2010

Last week, I made the final decision to break free from my golden handcuffs.  I dealt with my limiting beliefs to see if any of them were really true.  No they were there just to limit my creativity and ability to see the possibilities and see what I was already doing.  I have a thriving coaching practice and a radio show and other opportunities keep coming up.  But I  was running out of time to implement them.  So it was time to take the next step.

New Year, New Decade, New Life.  Now I am doing what I love.  I have broken free from my golden handcuffs - realizing they were more in my mind than anywhere else.  Often times I think of my interview with Julien Smith, co-author of Trust Agents and sought after speaker.  I asked him why he believed he could do what he was doing at such a young age.  His answer “Why the hell not me?”  That has been my new mantra for me in this new decade.  ”Why the hell not me?”

How about you?  What do you want in your life?  What are your limiting beliefs?

To enter the drawing, complete the following survey by Sunday, December 20, 2010 at 9am PT.  Drawing winners will be immediately contacted for their mailing address.  Addresses must be submitted to me no later than Sunday, Dec. 20, 2010 by 3pm PT otherwise new winners will be drawn.

Don’t miss out on this opportunity.  Last year’s winner was WOWed by her gift basket.  This year we will be giving away three gift baskets.  One specifically will go to our newsletter subscribers.

Below is the listing of books in the gift basket:

Random House Children’s Books’

Holiday Gift-Giving Guide!

Lasting, memorable gifts for every age

Visit us on the Web at www.randomhouse.com/kids.

Picture Book

For your little prince or princess . . .

PRINCESS HYACINTH (The Surprising Tale of a Girl Who Floated)

by Florence Parry Heide; illustrated by Lane Smith

A bestselling Caldecott Honor artist and a legendary author team up to brings kids Princess Hyacinth, who has one very big problem: she floats!

Schwartz & Wade Books / 978-0-375-84501-7 / September 22, 2009 /$17.99 / $22.00 / Ages 4–8 / 48 pages

Middle Grade

Share this critically acclaimed classic-in-the-making . . .

WHEN YOU REACH ME

by Rebecca Stead

“Absorbing.”—People Magazine

“Smart and mesmerizing.”—The New York Times Book Review

Notes from a mysterious stranger lead Miranda to believe she may be the only one able to prevent a horrible death.

Wendy Lamb Books / 978-0-385-73742-5 / July 14, 2009 / $15.99 / $17.99 / Ages 9–14 / 208 pages

For comic book fans and reluctant boy readers . . .

POWERLESS

by Matthew Cody

Daniel’s new friends are superheroes who secretly do good in their town. But when their powers might be taken away, can normal-kid Daniel save the day?

Alfred A. Knopf / 978-0-375-85595-5 / October 27, 2009 / $15.99 / $19.99 / 10 up / 288 pages

For Harry Potter fans . . .

THE BLUE SHOE: A Tale of Thievery, Villainy, Sorcery, and Shoes

by Roderick Townley; illustrated by Mary GrandPré

Harry Potter illustrator Mary GrandPré lends her touch to this modern-day fairy tale printed in blue ink.

Alfred A. Knopf / 978-0-375-85600-6 October 13, 2009 / $16.99 / $21.00 / Ages 8–12 / 272 pages

For the child who loves to know it all . . .

A REALLY SHORT HISTORY OF NEARLY EVERYTHING

by Bill Bryson

Bryson’s worldwide bestseller is now in a new format for young people. Tackling everything from the Big Bang to the rise of civilization, Bryson’s inimitable storytelling skill makes scientific discovery entertaining and accessible.

Delacorte Press / 978-0-385-73810-1 / October 27, 2009 / $19.99 / Ages 9–12 / 176 pages

For the adventure-loving reader too young for Dan Brown . . .

CENTURY #1: Ring of Fire

by P. D. Baccalario; translated by Leah D. Janeczko

Start your lover of adventure on this first installment in a four-part international mystery series that will take four cities and four extraordinary kids to solve.

Random House / 978-0-375-85895-6 / September 8, 2009 / $16.99 / $21.00 / Ages 10–13 / 304 pages

For creating New Year’s resolutions . . .

TODAY I WILL

by Eileen and Jerry Spinelli

In dated entries meant to be read each day, the esteemed husband-and-wife team open with a brief literary quote, write a paragraph of lively advice, and end with a “Today I will . . .” promise.

Alfred A. Knopf / 978-0-375-84057-9 / October 13, 2009 / $15.99 / $19.99 / Ages 10 up / 384 pages

For the horse lover . . .

THE GEORGES AND THE JEWELS

by Jane Smiley

Pulitzer Prize–winning author Jane Smiley makes her debut for young readers in this stirring novel set on a California horse ranch in the 1960s.

Alfred A. Knopf / 978-0-375-86227-4 / September 8, 2009 /$16.99 / $21.99 / Ages 10 up / 240 pages

Young Adult

For your teen who likes dystopian fiction . . .

MAZE RUNNER

by James Dashner

Thomas wakes up in the Glade., a place where a group of kids is stranded with no idea of how or why they are there. The Gladers must learn to join together to find a way out.

Delacorte Press / 978-0-385-73794-4 / October 6, 2009 / $16.99 / $21.00 / 12 up / 384 pages

For the Twilight lover . . .

FALLEN

by Lauren Kate

This first novel in a darkly romantic four-book series about fallen angels and forbidden love poses the question: what if the person you were meant to be with could never be yours?

Delacorte Press / 978-0-385-73893-4 / December 8, 2009 / $17.99 / $22.99 / Ages 12 up / 464 pages

For your young comedian . . .

GOING BOVINE

by Libba Bray

When Cam finds out he’s sick, he sets off on a wacky American road trip adventure with the help of a death-obsessed, video-gaming dwarf and a yard gnome.

Delacorte Press / 978-0-385-73397-7 / September 22, 2009 / $17.99 / $23.00 / Ages 14 up / 496 pages

Holiday Themed

ZIGAZAK!: A Magical Hanukkah Night

by Eric A. Kimmel; illustrated by Jon Goodell

When two tricky devils arrive in the town of Brisk to cause mischief on the first night of Hanukkah, the town rabbi must triumph over them in a contest of wits.

Doubleday / 978-0-385-32652-0 / November 11, 2009 / $19.99 / $22.99 / Ages 4–8 / 32 pages

JUNIE B., FIRST GRADER: Jingle Bells, Batman Smells! (P.S. So Does May.)

by Barbara Park; illustrated by Denise Brunkus

When everyone in Room One picks names for Secret Santa, Junie B. gets stuck with Tattletale May! Maybe, just maybe, a Secret Santa gift is the perfect opportunity to give May exactly what she deserves.

Random House / 978-0-375-82809-6 / September 22, 2009 / $4.99 / $5.99 / Ages 6–9 / 128 pages

How The Grinch Stole Christmas! Party Edition

by Dr. Seuss

A new foil cover entices readers to rediscover the Grinch, whose heart is two sizes too small. The Grinch hates Who-ville’s holiday celebrations and plans to steal all the presents to prevent Christmas from coming.

Random House / 978-0-394-80079-0 / August 11, 2009 / $15.00 / $18.99 / Ages 6–9 / 64 pages

THE ALL-I’LL-EVER-WANT CHRISTMAS DOLL

by Patricia McKissack; illustrated by Jerry Pinkney

Christmas teaches Nella that nothing can replace the company of her sister, when the gift of a beautiful Baby Betty doll pulls them apart.

Schwartz & Wade / 978-0-375-83759-3 / September 11, 2007 / $16.99 / $21.99 Can. / Ages 4–8 / 40 pgs

A CHRISTMAS MEMORY 50th Anniversary Edition

by Truman Capote; illustrated by Beth Peck

First published in 1956, this much-sought-after autobiographical recollection of Truman Capote’s rural Alabama boyhood recalls memories of beloved holiday rituals.

Alfred A. Knopf / 978-0-375-83789-0 / October 10, 2006 / $17.95 / $23.95 Can. / Ages 12 up / 48 pages

THE NUTCRACKER

by Stephanie Spinner; illustrated by Peter Malone

The Nutcracker is brought to life in this beautifully illustrated retelling of the ballet, with a 78-minute CD of Tchaikovsky’s music performed by the Utah Symphony Orchestra.

Alfred A. Knopf / 978-0-375-84464-5 / October 14, 2008 / $16.99 / $19.99 Can. / Ages 4–8 / 40 pages

Random House Books for Young Readers, Alfred A. Knopf Books for Young Readers, Doubleday Books for Young Readers, Golden Books, David Fickling Books, Schwartz & Wade Books, Robin Corey Books, and Delacorte Press Books for Young Readers are imprints of the Random House Children’s Books division of Random House, Inc., whose parent company is Bertelsmann AG.

I am always looking for the possibilities that exist outside of mainstream thought.  Many of us believe there are the standard solutions in life.  But I always ask myself “is there more?  Is there something else?  Is there another way?”  What I have found are many different ways to do things and plenty of roads to choose from.  Let’s first look at why some people are not Possibility Seekers.

The LIE

When coaching my clients or talking with guests on my radio show I often discuss the LIE.  This is the idea that we are often sold throughout our lives.  Be a “good girl” in school, don’t get in trouble, get good grades so you can go to a good university, pick an “acceptable” major so you can provide for yourself and your family, get married (or find a partner) have kids (or not) and live happily ever after.  If this did lead you to the true path of happiness why are so many people still not happy?  Most of you have done what you were “supposed to” and now do you feel exhausted, unfulfilled, empty, defeated?

The TRUTH

Maybe you are tired, numb, feeling defeated.  This does not have to be your life’s journey.  You can actually have what you want.  The first step is to know what you want.  Do you know what you want in your life?  For may that is a difficult question to answer.  You may first need to make a list of what you don’t want.  Then move on to what you want.

Clarity is the first step to possibilities.  When you go to google search, you type in what you are looking for and the search engine processes your request with a list of links.  Now if you are not clear in your search words, your outcome will be less clear from google.  This is the same if you don’t know what you want, how can you get there.

For the next week, each day ask yourself  What do I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want? Make a list of 3-5 things that you really, really, really want in life.   If that is still to difficult, then start with a list of what you don’t want to help you figure out what you do want.

Next week I will have what to do next.

So readers I ask you to share with us “What do you Really, Really, Really want in your life?”

Photo credit Melody Campbell

It has been a while since I posted.  Summer has been full and busy.  Now school has started for the kids, fall is on it’s way and life has quieted down a bit.  I hope your summer was fabulous.  Mine was amazing, full and busier then ever.  I will be posting some of the things I learned this summer in future posts.  Today I want to talk about Finding Your Own North Star.

Many of you know that I have added another title to what I do - Life Coach.  I have loved doing this radio show for the past three years and the fabulous opportunities it has created for me.  I feel so fortunate to have such amazing guests from all walks of life and all degrees of success.  The frustrating part of my show has been while the information has been wonderful and is ONE part of making changes in our lives, many people are still stuck and do not know how to actually put the information into practice in one’s own life.  The other part of creating change is the ACTION piece.  We may all intellectually understand what we need to do, but to create the space, time, and commitment is another thing.  So last year I decided to train with Dr. Martha Beck.  She has been a guest on my show a couple of times and will return in November.  I just love Martha.  I have been inspired by her work, her personal journey and life coaching approach.  Many of you may have seen her on Oprah, read her monthly column in O Magazine, or quite possibly read one of her amazing books that have changed your life.  A few of her books are Expecting Adam, Finding Your Own North Star and Steerling by Starlight.

Many of you know I have spent over 16 years guiding people to success in their lives as a swim coach.  I had wanted to give back to my sport that had helped me learn so much about life throughout my 15 year swim career as an athlete.  So I began by coaching youth and helped them see the possibilities that could exist in their swim careers. This lead to my college swim coaching career.  I worked with athletes from humble backgrounds and helped them move forward in their lives and achieve success that at times they never before had dreamed possible for themselves.

Helping others see what is truly possible for them; creating the space for others to show up day in and day out to achieve their visions is what I DO.  And this past year I have been able to work with Life Coaching clients to help them gain clarity in their own lives.  It is truly an amazing addition to my life.

This fall I will be teaching Martha’s Finding Your Own North Star class.  We will bring the book alive to help you learn her tools to practice and implement them into your life so that you can become the expert on your life.  Life coaching is not about me telling you what to do, it is about me helping you get connected with your self and practicing these skills until you can do it on your own.  During this class we will go through her book and practice and discuss the tools that Martha has created so that you can learn to find the answers to your life within you. ]]> http://howshereallydoesit.com/blog/2009/08/finding-your-own-north-star/feed/ http://howshereallydoesit.com/blog/2009/06/where-is-the-magic-in-your-life/ http://howshereallydoesit.com/blog/2009/06/where-is-the-magic-in-your-life/#comments Fri, 26 Jun 2009 20:45:39 +0000 Koren http://howshereallydoesit.com/?p=981 Read more.]]> A few weeks ago I stopped and realized my life was magical.  The things I wanted to feel were happening in my life.  So I started posting “my life is magical” on my facebook status.  Each day I would stop and pay attention and again realize the magic in my life.  Well after a while you can imagine my friends on FB were wondering what is all this magic stuff about.  There was even a reference to “Alice in Wonderland.”  LOL!

For me I realized that I was in the flow of my life.  Sure there were situations that in my past I would have been stressed out about, but (with these new tools I have learned) I realized I did not feel the stress in those particular situations.  I actually had to think back to my old mindset to remember that I would have considered the event(s) a stressor in the past.  Then I started seeing the flow with my fabulous kids and my relationship with my husband.

 After that I thought about all the many things I get to do (yes I do a lot).  But I love it all, sure there may be some tasks that I don’t particularly like, and I check in with the 3 B’s.  Most of the time I can “better” my task and sure sometimes I just plain old “bag it.”  Then I looked at the many different tribes I belong to.  I sure love being a part of them all.  So thank you  and with much gratitude I am so in the flow of my life right now.  That is the magic!

Do you have magic in your life?  Where is the magic in your life?

Around the same time, my seven year old daughter  had just gone to the Girl Scout “Sock Hop Father-Daughter Dance.”  For the first time in her life she found out what a poodle skirt was and wore one to the dance.  A few days later she was home sick and watched A Cinderella Story, a movie she has seen many times.  She was soooo excited and came bounding into my office to tell me:  ”Mommy, mommy they are wearing poodle skirts in the movie!”   Then off to the computer to one of her favorite websites and soon enough, “mommy, mommy there are poodle skirts on the website.  How come everywhere I look there are now poodle skirts?” 

Lesson learned

That reinforced to me that when are eyes are open we finally see the possibilities that have been in our lives.  Opportunities are in front of us everyday.  When we can only focus on the negative thoughts or our fears we may miss the opportunities that are right there in front of us.

Today we have a guest blogger, Sonja Alarr.  Sonja is a fab woman and mother of two.  I met her in my Martha Beck Life Coach program.  I  loved her writing and wanted to share it with you.  Even though Sonja is not a techno gal we are still able to share her wonderful insights with the rest of you.  For those of you wondering “How She Really Does It”…..here is Sonja.

I’m not a person who’s ever had much luck meditating.  I try it, but alas, I have the patience of a gnat.  Still, it gets recommended to me as an exercise—most recently by a woman I hired as a life coach.  “Sit and be still for 15 minutes every day.  Don’t read, don’t talk.  Just sit.  You’ll be surprised at what you learn.”

“Yeah, right,” I thought to myself; but I do want to change, do want to experience more peace,  and self-acceptance; I decided what the hell, I’d give it a go.

So the other day, I was sitting there striving hard for peace.  And being distracted from anything of the sort by my belly.  See, my hands were resting in my lap—or they would have been, except that my stomach gets in the way, being overweight as I am.  “Well, this is not peaceful.  This is miserable,” I thought, followed immediately by:  “I wish I could lose weight.  I wish I could move in the direction I want.  I wish I was someone else….”

“Oh great!” my peace-yearning self snapped.  “This is just perfect!  I’m sure relaxation is just a breath or two away!”  I breathed in deeply again, trying to ignore all the shrieking in my brain.  No good.  Every time I breathed in, my belly expanded.  There was just no getting around it.

“Well this sucks,” was what my cynical non-meditating mind was rattling when all of my interior voices were interrupted by an exterior one—that of my 5 year old daughter, Zosia, calling imperiously from the next room: “Cuddle!  Mama, cuddle!”  Whew!  Saved from trying for peace!  On with the chaos of the day!  Now, this is where I’m comfortable—distracted, doing a lot for other people with great flurry and always with too little time.  With relief I call out, “Here I come.”

I should give you some background, I suppose, about Zosia. My little daughter is like no one I’ve ever met before.  She’s a warrior queen at home, a rule follower at school.  She started talking at 4 months—yelling “Mama!” whenever I dared to set her down for 2 seconds—but wouldn’t look at or deal with anyone else til she was around 3.  She cried for a year and a half and didn’t let go of my leg for 2.  I thought she was incredibly introverted and felt for her: the rest of the family is extroverted as a yente at a bris.  But a year or so ago, she transformed.  Suddenly she was chatty and gregarious and would offer to do a little dance show or sing some opera for anyone who walked in the door.  Odd.

I came to motherhood late in life and have found much of the experience to be as perplexing and elusive as the peace supposedly garnered from meditation.  From the second she came to the planet, Zosia has baffled and delighted me and taught me things I had no idea I needed to learn.

This meditation morning was no different.  Still annoyed at myself for not being able to sit still, not being able to BREATHE, for God’s sake, and really mad at my offending stomach, I went to her room and curled up next to her in her bed.  She likes to pretend she’s a “tobbler” (toddler) in the morning and often talks in a wee little voice til she’s ready to get her game face on and handle the demands of kindergarten.

“Mama!” she said, as glad to see me as a golden retriever, and cuddled into my soft body.  She patted my stomach, which made me immediately tense. But, “I love your tummy, Mama,” she said.  “I lived in there.”  She touched me again.  “I like your big tummy. “  And she laid her head contentedly on my chest.  “And I nursed from your breasts.  I like them in the morning when they’re soft and you don’t have your brawd (bra) on. Zosia likes Mama’s body.”  She snuggled in.

I lay there, still.  Not reading, not talking, not doing anything.  Breathing. Holding on to my daughter.  I remember I smiled.  As I cradled her head next to my heart, the voices in my head calmed down. And for the first time in a long time, I felt a little peace.  Meditate, schmeditate.   My little guru. She’ll be the one to drag me into self-acceptance, I just know it.  As with most things, all I have to do is show up and remember to breathe.

Professor Dweck, author of Mindset discusses growth mindset vs. fixed mindset.  After the interview I asked her “What is the relationship between possessing a growth mindset and success as an entrepreneur?”

Her response was:

“…in my book I have a chapter on business and leadership in which I analyze the characteristics of successful leaders: the desire to take on challenges (as opposed to the desire to feed one’s ego), the desire for honest feedback (as opposed to flattering feedback), the ability to face problems and setbacks and remain effective (as opposed to denying problems or blaming them on others), the desire to have great people on your team (as opposed to being threatened by others’ talents). These qualities are especially important in times like these, and each is a characteristic of the growth mindset. Recent research has examined this directly, examining business people who had breakout results with a new idea or product. The major thing they shared was a growth mindset.”

 

Michael Port wants to start a Think Big Revolution.  Why think small thoughts when we can choose to think Big Thoughts?  In his latest book The Think Big Manifesto, Michael states

“Thinking small is often about who we think we should be.  It’s about a concept of a better self.  But you are not a concept.  I am not a concept.  We are who we are and who we think we are.  It’s not easy to overthrow the judges and think big, but it’s not complicated.”

Do you Think Big?  When do you let small thoughts get in the way?  When are you a fixed mindset and when are you a growth mindset?  What are the results when you are in a growth mindset?